mental-health – The DarkJasmine

This is supposed to be written a week ago, but essays got in the way. *yes, Z.. blame the essay! :lol:

September is always a special month for me. I love the anticipation of my upcoming birthday at the end of the month. I used to hope that people care for me and send me birthday wishes at midnight. I used to be upset if I only got a few birthday greetings.

…but then, maturity bug bits me.

The excitement of September is still felt, but the anticipation of the birthday has worn off. I am no longer hang my happiness on the numbers of wishes I got; hence, I am no longer a party go lucky girl. I begin to set my birth date as private in all my social media and go on with my life. Thus, I am very content with all the wishes that I got every year. All that wishes matter to me – no more empty wishes because I finally found the needle between the haystack.

Here comes the hardest part. Reflecting on my 31 years on earth.

When I was a little girl, someone in the age of 30ish perceived as very old. Ancient. But now, I am the 30ish woman…. Yeah, old…but not very old. 🙃

On a more serious note… I feel like my whole life has been a quest to find my self. Looking back into my life, I am surprised how much life has transformed me. Some part for the better, the other half is worsened. Nevertheless, I am who I am today because of all the choices I made yesterday. There is no regret in the current direction of my life, but I also need to admit that anxiety is still my best friend. Sometimes it leads me into temporary regression, but in the end, I will always find lights to see those things from a different perspective. Is it work? Yes! By looking from different perspective, we will realise that what we have done is not only bad but also embarrassing :sigh: nonetheless, there is no good in glorifying our mistake in the past. The one that matter is the way you deal with your mistake and own it, then go on with your life. This is what I always do, just go on: bad things will end, and so will good things.

I am an introvert pretending to be an extrovert. People will remember me as a chitty chatty girl with a smile on her face. Those things are exhausted. I feel so tired every time I have to put my happy face and pretend that everything is okay. Make no mistake, I am a cheerful girl, but I am not the always happy girl. However, I am very good at pretending everything is under control. I am good at pretending to be happy and calm. After these 31 years, I finally acknowledge that I am depressed. Yet, I keep it to myself because I know that nobody really wants to know my real story. Nobody really cares about what is going on in my mind. Nobody will believe if I told them that I am not okay. Everybody will say “We believe you can!”. Yes, I can…just not always.

My quest to find my self is not finished. I am not even sure that it will end. Every day in my life has been a rollercoaster of events and moods. I know those are the perks of being human, but sometimes I feel tired and just want a nice nap and cuddle. Lately, I found out that feeling tired and the need of taking a break is normal. We owe ourselves those nice treatments because our mind and our body always work hard to keep with our overtime insanity to keep us sane. Also, I just found out that we can push our limit while at the same time, accelerate our breaking point into infinity (what exactly is this statement supposed to mean?).

See?

I am not good at reflecting. These are not reflections. This is me, trash-talking my self…. and these are things inside my mind every time I have a mental break down. (And it is pretty often).

Here is my summary: I am a 31 years woman who is not in my best point right now. However, I acknowledge it and accept my worst self because I know that I will also have the up moments. This worst stage will eventually pass, and the best is yet to come.

….and also, maybe all this miserable feeling is growing in my mind because I miss Zhafran so much it hurts.

Ciao,

The DarkJasmine

Pst. Once again, it is okay to say that you are not okay. It is also okay that you want to pretend that you are okay, as long as you really believe that you will eventually be okay.

Seek help if you need one. :))

It’s been a while since my last post. I could’ve said that i was kinda busy at the moment, even it’s the truth, i wouldn’t make it an excuse for my laziness to write something here, even just a “HI” or any kind of “Happy blablabla”. Yes, my bad, I’m sorry.

I was thinking, in a long time that i was losing my appetite to write, i’ve lost my passion, but when i talk to my self, i know that it’s not true. Writing is always my best escape route. For some moment, i was questioning my purpose in writing, in posting my mind to this personal paradise of mine, it is my own ego or it is my stupidity? since clearly there aren’t anyone really into reading this blog. Those questions keep wandering in my mind, haunting me like a nightmare and make me afraid, very afraid to start writing again and my mind become so messy and dusty. I feel like I’ve lost sight of my life, i’ve lost my self. It is when I finally conclude that I write for my self, as my own therapy to help me become me, to keep my self from being somebody else that I am not. Yes, i write for my self, not to entertain anyone, but I will still be so pleased if someone read my pieces.

All this time of “hibernating”, I learnt something about my self that i keep denying it all this time. I’m lacking of self-motivation. I believe that I could motivate others, especially somebody who close to me, but I always deny the fact that i can’t motivate my self enough to really care about my dream, i keep questioning my own passion, my own strength that even others can see it in me. Yes, what a pity!

Ah, I think I have to apply my advices to my self and this time, I have to be really strict to my priorities, focus on my dreams and trust my self, stop depending to others and stop procrastinating! Yes, I have to write it here for reminding me that i have promises to fulfill.