I really am not OKAY

Happy Mother’s day for all the mother in this world, whether alive or passed away..

but.. I won’t write about mother’s day…

I have been neglecting this blog for far too long, I wish I could make my work as an excuse, I wish I could say that I have nothing to write. Instead, I really have many things to write, and I did have a heavy workloads but I could still find time to write, if I want to…

I have been using my work as an escape from my own self, I put all my effort to pour my mind only for my work and I tend to work overtime to avoid having so much time to spend alone at home in the night. I tend to be somewhere else than on my bed in the early night.

Those things are my common feeling lately, but I haven’t aware of how much energy consumed by that habit, until today. I am a trained girl for physical activities, I used to be a Scout member and I have graduated from military-based training. It is for my own surprise that I almost faint twice in these two months (first in Sumpah Pemuda Ceremony and second in Hari Ibu Ceremony, today). When I fainted for the first time, I have my own excuse, because I am on a strict diet and haven’t had my breakfast that morning, but today, I have enough sleep, I eat normally yesterday but I still fainted this morning.

Then I realize what I’ve been through these couple months and since I always blame my self for everything I’ve been through and my believe that every thing happened according to our own mind, I got an insight about what is really happening to me and I have to admit that I’m depressed.

Being someone that has a psychology background, everyone seems to see me as someone that always jumped into ‘a psychological conclusion’, and they won’t believe me even if I have shown them symptoms that happened to me. They will say that I over analyze my self with my own knowledge, but they usually believe if I analyze their symptoms. Double standard, no?

Writing is my self-healing methods and I’ve been avoiding it far too long because every time I want to write something, my mind start to frightened me with exaggerating thoughts about one thing or another, especially about someone that I lose, feeling that I’ve missed because of that ‘losing thing’. I know why I’ve been in this situations yet I couldn’t make peace with my mind. I blame my self for what has happened despite everyone else see this as something beyond my control. I couldn’t exactly write the exact story here, i’m afraid that it will be worst if someone read it and get hurt because of it.

My mind is tricking me.

Someone is playing it.

I feel fine while I know that I’m not.

I got so tired yet I am full of energy at the same time.

..but yes, everyone seems to believe that I am FINE..

e595a3a660f3d3f62b1733465e5ae84ePic Source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/424042121135846008/


It’s been a while since my last post. I could’ve said that i was kinda busy at the moment, even it’s the truth, i wouldn’t make it an excuse for my laziness to write something here, even just a “HI” or any kind of “Happy blablabla”. Yes, my bad, I’m sorry.

I was thinking, in a long time that i was losing my appetite to write, i’ve lost my passion, but when i talk to my self, i know that it’s not true. Writing is always my best escape route. For some moment, i was questioning my purpose in writing, in posting my mind to this personal paradise of mine, it is my own ego or it is my stupidity? since clearly there aren’t anyone really into reading this blog. Those questions keep wandering in my mind, haunting me like a nightmare and make me afraid, very afraid to start writing again and my mind become so messy and dusty. I feel like I’ve lost sight of my life, i’ve lost my self. It is when I finally conclude that I write for my self, as my own therapy to help me become me, to keep my self from being somebody else that I am not. Yes, i write for my self, not to entertain anyone, but I will still be so pleased if someone read my pieces.

All this time of “hibernating”, I learnt something about my self that i keep denying it all this time. I’m lacking of self-motivation. I believe that I could motivate others, especially somebody who close to me, but I always deny the fact that i can’t motivate my self enough to really care about my dream, i keep questioning my own passion, my own strength that even others can see it in me. Yes, what a pity!

Ah, I think I have to apply my advices to my self and this time, I have to be really strict to my priorities, focus on my dreams and trust my self, stop depending to others and stop procrastinating! Yes, I have to write it here for reminding me that i have promises to fulfill.

another insight from a delay flight



I feel an urge to write this confessions, about my blogging activity..

#1 i’ve been blogging since January, 2007

#2 I love poetry that’s why i write poem more in this blog

#3 I’m not so confidence to write “facts” or anything “i’ve done”, but i’m working on it now..couple of my last posts were about my life

#4 I’m not comfortable to join blogger community because i have problems in meeting or greeting or be nice with someone new, i could only tell or say Hi via texts, not face to face.. poor me… but once again, i’m working on it, i’ve joined the “Blogger Bertuah” (Pekanbaru Blogger Community) recently and hopefully I could force myself to be part of them real soon.

#5 I often lose my mood when I’m writing and left my post half done, let it sleep at the draft folder for days before i finally execute it (whether finish it, or send it to the trash bin..well..based on my modd) oh..i’m sooo moody… help me?


The Dark Jasmine

minutes to midnight

….what could I say??

when d wind isn’t cooling d air anymore,,
when d star isn’t bright anymore,,
when d sky isn’t clear anymore,,

…what should I do??

if my heart is broken,,
if my tears are lessen,,
if my mind is already drown,,

…what will u do??

if I say I like u,,
if I confess that I love u,,

…hate me for loving u,,
…hate me for confessing this,,
…hate me for not even trying to wipe this feeling,,

hate me,, for closing my eyes from d reality,,
reality that “our” existence will never exist,,
reality that “we” will never be together,,

…hate me, for more than thousands reasons,,
…hate me,,
…and i’ll always love you,,

…hate me, but please don’t get away from me,,

-,,this is for  is for Thursday Poets Rally week 27,,-