September 2003

On the eve of 23rd September 2003,
just after dinner,
you were feeling unwell and need to lay down,
because of the cold and the ache in your head,
you were asking for massage,
because you could not feel your hands anymore,
you were asking for guidance to pray,
because you could not control half of your face.

On the eve of 23rd September 2003,
just after you say ‘Allah’,
you were unconscious,
on our way to the emergency room.

On the eve of 23rd September 2003,
just after you lost your consciousness,
you spent the night on the ICU,
with all the medical devices to keep your heart beating,
to keep your lung breathing.

On the eve of 23rd September 2003,
just after you went into the ICU,
you were visited by tons of your friends and colleagues,
to pray for you,
to cheer us for you.

then again,
Allah loves you more.
You were gone…
on 24th September 2003.

So long, Ma!
We love you..

Dear Zhaf #3

Hi there, Kiddo!

This is my annual letter for you, Zhaf – and I have managed to force my lazy fingers to finally write again. As always, I will begin with how much I love you and I know that you know it. This year will be difficult for us, since I have to left country for continuing my study and we will be separate for 6 months. Writing this is not only my way for ensuring my self that everything will be okay, that we will be okay, but also as a reminder for me that everything happen for a reason and I know that when you are old enough you will understand.

Enough about me, let us talk about you.

2019 marks your third birthday. You are a grown baby now! What a fun, yeaaa!

It is time for you to kick ball on the field every afternoon.
It is time for you to play cars any second you want to.
It is time for you to exercise you karate move to me every night before bed.
It is time for you to make me run after you, just because you love to see me catching my breath.
It is time for you to say no to something that you don’t feel like you want it.
It is time for you to recognize your feeling, choosing what make you happy instead of the one that bugs you.
It is time for you to watch Upin Ipin all you want in the weekend.
It is time for you to make your choice of who you want to have pillow talk with – Thanks for always choosing me over your Ayah 😆

However, dear…

This is also a time for you to understand that there is a whole bigger world out there that you need to figure out on your own.
This is also time for you to consider other’s feeling and to see something beyond your own world.

Do you sometime feel so overwhelm by all this stimulations around you? It is okay, dear. It is what world is made for, to overwhelm human. Just so a human could understand that a world is not only made for one person, but it is also for other human and other creatures.

Do you sometime feel so tired hearing me talk nonsense about kindness to other? It is okay, dear. It is why you are gifted with a mind to think and a heart to filter it. Soon enough, you will find all my nonsense are actually make sense and I believe that you can always spread kindness and love.

I believe in you, so you could believe in yourself.

Love you,
Bunda.

On the sidewalk

Someone is walking
slowly
hesitantly
not a hint of confidence

Another one is also walking
such in a hurry for a time like this
not a glance to the surrounding
nor a hint of care

The other is talking
to a cellphone
pitch is too high
Intonation is too wrong

A man is typing crazy amount of words
blankly dancing his fingers
no hint of needing a rest
nor short of ideas

Two women are discussing
about a psychological journal article
of stereotyping
of discriminating

A boy and a girl are so engaged
with each other’s lips
entangled heart
intertwined hand

An old man is staring
into nothingness
deeply buried
not in thought, but in the past

Despite them all : stand a peculiar human
not a male
nor a female
long to belong

– The Dark Jasmine
South Jakarta
July 13, 2018

Dear Zhaf #2

The fourth of May has come again – faster than last year, would you believe it? 😀

Hi, Zhaf!

This one is for you, hopefully one day soon you will find it interesting enough to read in your spare time.

It has been a very long time for me not writing a post about you, maybe I should invest more time to humor you in the future, no? But seriously, many things happened!

I remember that I was starting to worry that you didn’t speak enough words when you were 18 months old, but then your cute little mouth couldn’t stop bubbling when you’ve turned 19 months. I do also remember how broke my heart was when you fell and need 2 stitches in your precious little forehead; nevertheless, you amazed me to see that you were holding yourself better than I did after the tragedy. Not long after that, you chose to wean yourself from breastfeeding –  oh boy, the pain in my heart was unimaginable.

Oh no. I need to stop talking about myself and my dramatic emotions. I want this post to be about you, Zhaf. This post has to speak to you and make you dizzy a little. 😆

Your smile! Yes! The smile of yours are precious and addictive. Everyone couldn’t get enough of that, especially when you are planning to do some mischief acts. Wonderful, yet foolish at the same time. I hope you’re not going to be a heart breaker someday.

Hmm.. That gave me an Idea.

Let’s talk about heart breaking, son.

I realize that this world is not turning into a direction that I like, but I know that you could always find something to fight for, something that make your life worth to live, and something that proof your existence is making this universe slightly more livable. No pressure there, buddy! Life is not only about sadness and desperation, it is also about love, laugh, and how to share the love and the laugh.

To Love.

Love has no boundaries. One day you will find your own way to love this universe and beyond. I wish that you could understand that Allah is the most merciful, thus human is blessed with it. Have mercy, my dear Son, so you could be grateful for all the things you’ve accomplished. Have mercy, not only for others but also for yourself – for you could not love others before you learn to love yourself. I wish that you could understand that Rasulullah is a kind person, thus you could learn to be humble and sincere like him. Be gentle, my dear Son, for this world is not only belong to our kind of people – any kind of people is also living this world (science and conscience told us that they are also human), so please treat them like you want to be treated (as human). And if you encounter something that you don’t like nor agree with; remember the most crucial thing that I always need to remind myself, too: condemn the action, not the actor. I know you will figure the meaning of this soon enough.

To Laugh.

Laugh is the best medicine in this world. One day you will find your own way to laugh with others – certainly not to laugh at others. Laugh is what your soul need after a long tiring journey. Laugh is what your mind need along your wonderful journey. Laugh is what your body need to start walking into the journey. If you remember how to laugh, you will remember how to respect others – especially the one that doesn’t respect you. Just remember : Laugh is contagious. 🙂

I think I’ve already take a lot of time from you with this one. Got to keep other words for other occasion so that you won’t be bored. You will never know how much I love you. ❤ u.

Happy Birthday, Zhaf!

Love,
Bunda.

Mother, how are you today?

Mother, how are you today?
Here is a note from your daughter.
With me everything is ok.
Mother, how are you today?

Mother, don’t worry, I’m fine.
Promise to see you this summer.
This time there will be no delay.
Mother, how are you today?

I found the man of my dreams.
Next time you will get to know him.
Many things happened while I was away.
Mother, how are you today?

So.. How are you today, Mom?

I could only sent you an Al-Fatihah and pray for you endlessly now..

But, let me tell you a story…
I am now a mother too, Mom.
You have a grandson that you could call ‘Zhaf’.

He is such an active teenage-baby and i love him more than I love myself sometime – especially when he is already fast asleep (I know you understand what I mean, rite?)

I am now a wife too, Mom.
You have a son-in-law that you could call ‘Ji’.

He is such an amazing human being that maybe you won’t understand why he agreed to marry me at the first place – especially because you really know how grumpy I could be sometime.

I am now a teacher too, Mom.
You are my aspiration.
You are my deep obsession.

You are my muse.

 

All in all.

I am fine, Mom.

More than fine : I am happy.

Just one thing to tell you,

I really miss you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, MA..

Much kisses,

Adek

Love, not Hate

.

No, you don’t know my struggle.
No, you don’t fight my war.
No, you don’t hear my fear.
No, you don’t see my nightmares.
.
But
Yes, I don’t know your struggle either.
Yes, I don’t fight in your war either.
Yes, I don’t hear your fear either.
Yes, I don’t see your nightmares either.
.
.
You and me,
We have our own struggle,

our own war,

our own fear,

our own nightmares..
.
.
But
You and me,
We share this life,
We share this world,
We share this stage.
.
Let’s not be harsh to each other,
Let’s not be rude to another,
Let’s not be a judge to the other.
.
❤️❤️❤️

originally posted here

Love,

@darkJasm

 

Face full of grace

I see her once more. There is something familiar from the way she smile: ear to ear.

I see her once more. There is something peculiar from the way she speak: heart to heart.

I see her once more, I know sadness will never get born.

I see her once more, I know madness will never get core.

Her smile could travel many miles.

Her eyes could never tell lies.