September 2003

On the eve of 23rd September 2003,
just after dinner,
you were feeling unwell and need to lay down,
because of the cold and the ache in your head,
you were asking for massage,
because you could not feel your hands anymore,
you were asking for guidance to pray,
because you could not control half of your face.

On the eve of 23rd September 2003,
just after you say ‘Allah’,
you were unconscious,
on our way to the emergency room.

On the eve of 23rd September 2003,
just after you lost your consciousness,
you spent the night on the ICU,
with all the medical devices to keep your heart beating,
to keep your lung breathing.

On the eve of 23rd September 2003,
just after you went into the ICU,
you were visited by tons of your friends and colleagues,
to pray for you,
to cheer us for you.

then again,
Allah loves you more.
You were gone…
on 24th September 2003.

So long, Ma!
We love you..

a Love Letter for Mommy

dear Mom..

i wanted to write something nice for you, but I think I’ve lose my ability to write poetry these days. Many things have happened to me, Mom. Many things.

People said that if you need to be calm down, come to your mommy and you’ll feel safe.

I wanted to tell you stories, about my happiness, my sadness, my dreams, my broken heart, my obsession, my twisted mind, my bizarre points of views. I wanted to tell you everything about my life. everything.

People said that your mommy will appreciate your story, even if your story isn’t worth to hear after all.

I wanted to show you how much I love you, how much your love means to me, how much my fear for losing you, how much I need your support, or just how much I miss you.

People said that you need to acknowledge your parents how much you love them before it’s too late to tell them.

Do you remember how I appreciate your cooking, How I love weekend when you made something for us just to make us wanted to be at home all the time?

Do you remember how excited we were when we watched daddy played Tennis, how we yell, dance and eat after that?

Do you remember how worried we are when we hear that my sister fall from the stair?

Do you remember how i sneaked to your bed late at night when i couldn’t sleep because of the stomachache and you need to rub my back all night just to calm me?

I do remember those, Mom. I will always remember those memories for those are the only things I could done when I really want to hug you.

I Miss You and I love You.

Happy birthday, Mom. even you’ve stopped aging since 2003.

Happy birthday, Ma.

Love,

darkjasm

in the night like this… #np

try to read this while listening to mocca song “in the night like this” or “Hanya Satu” for more tears…

it’s been a while since my last post about my ma, not because i stop missing her, I will never have a second without missing her.

I miss her smile..

I miss her smell..

I miss her hug..

I miss her..

I just miss her so much..

this night, i read a tweet from a friend about “still want to be with ma and pa much longer”, I reply “envy” and he asked me whether I am not going back to my hometown this long weekend. It could be a casual question, but for me, it was just like a thunder was hitting my head, a lightning stroke… yeah, reality sucks… even if I came home this holiday, I just can’t be with ma and pa anymore.. 😦

I am so envy you people,,

enjoy every second you have to be with them, to take care of them, to make them proud..

for I only have my father, I am definitely will take care of him, even if some people doubt me, i do not need to proof it to you, evil people, I just need to proof it to my pa..

p.s I’m so  sorry,, please excuse me for this random post with no particular focus….

Have a peace and warm birthday there, ma!

23 September 2003, ba’da Magrib waktu setempat.

“Jangan pergi, Nak. Disini aja” ujar mama terbata-bata, lidahnya mulai kaku, mengikuti sebagian badannya yang sudah mati rasa dari beberapa saat yang lalu. Aku tetap memijat tangan mama walaupun ia sudah tak bisa merasakannya lagi, berharap pijatanku dapat membuat aliran darahnya lancar kembali dan separuh badannya tak mati rasa lagi.

“Ta cuma mau ganti baju bentar, ma. Boleh ya?” tanyaku. Mama menggeleng lemah, membuat aku semakin khawatir.

“Biar Tata ganti baju dulu, supaya kita bisa ke rumah sakit, ya?” tanya papa lembut. Akhirnya mama mengangguk lemah dan akupun segera berlari dan tak sampai 5 menit aku sudah kembali lagi ke kamar mama dengan pakaian lengkap bepergian, siap untuk ke rumah sakit.

“tok..tok..” Pintu kamar di ketok dan ketika aku buka, sudah berdiri Om Ikar, teman papa yang tadi beliau telpon untuk menemani kami ke rumah sakit, membawa mama langsung ke UGD, berharap kesembuhan segera untuk beliau.

Berdua papa dan Om Ikar mengangkat mama ke mobil. Om Ikar yang menyetir, papa memangku kepala mama dan aku kembali memijat kaki mama. Mama terlihat sudah tidak sanggup berkata-kata lagi, ia hanya mengikuti dzikir yang diajarkan papa.

“Allah…” itulah kata terakhir mama sebelum ia tak sadarkan diri, hingga kami tiba di UGD Rumah Sakit Awal Bros Pekanbaru, mama dipindah ke ICU, dan esoknya beliau menghembuskan nafas terakhirnya, 24 September 2003 10.15 WIB.

Mengenang Ibunda Tercinta

Asmidarti

29 November 1953 – 24 September 2003

Peluk dan cium dari anakmu,
yang akan selalu merindukan doa dan pelukmu…

#today #8YearsAgo

…and I’m gonna miss you, like a child misses their blanket…

yak..

Tepat di pukul 10.15 WIB, hari selasa, 24 September 2003, saya kehilangan seorang sosok yang sangat berarti dalam hidup saya. Tak pernah sebelumnya terbayangkan bagaimana bisa menjalani hidup tanpa beliau.

Seorang ibu…

Mama..

Sesaat setelah beliau menghembuskan nafas yang terakhir, saya benar-benar tidak tahu harus berbuat apa, hanya air mata yang mengalir dalam diam. Stroke telah merenggut nyawa Mama, penyakit darah tinggi yang selama ini beliau lawan ternyata menang.

Banyak saudara, teman, dan bahkan orang yang tidak saya kenal datang menghibur. Awalnya kedatangan mereka berhasil mambuat saya tak tenggelam dalam duka, namun akhirnya saya tiba juga pada sebuah titik dimana kesadaran bahwa tidak ada lagi yang membangunkan saya di pagi hari, tidak ada lagi yang memeluk saya ketika saya sedih, tidak ada lagi yang mengusap perut saya ketika saya sakit, tidak ada lagi suara yang selalu berhasil menenangkan kegundahan saya. Beliau telah pergi…dan tidak ada orang yang mampu mengganti tempat beliau…saya yakin…

I miss You Ma, I really do…

thanks for all my families and friend that help me through it all..

i love you all!

Selamat Ulang Tahun Ma!

…ada selamat ulang tahun

yang harus tiba tepat waktunya…

-Dee Lestari

counting d stars,,

in d middle of d night,,

spending time,,

just to feel alive,,

breathing deeply,,

exhale,,

inhale,,

lying on d grass,,

smelling after-rain fragrance,,

just to relieve some pain,,

aching,,

in d backbone of mine,,

wanting to disappear,,

just to be by ur side,,

i’m losing ur grip,,

i’m losing my mind,,

i’m missing u,,

right here,,

right above my chest,,

u will always there,,

Happy Birthday, my Dear Mom!