Four Hearts

I’ve just realized that I’ve taken them for granted. It’s like I know that they will always have my back whenever I need them. It should not be that way. It should’ve been a two-way relationship.

I woke up this morning feeling a little melancholic. I couldn’t exactly figure what is missing, but I am sure that I missed something. Waking up to a hole in my heart, that even my mind couldn’t comprehend the exact emotion, was not a great way to start a day; especially when you have to tend to a super active ‘cool boy’ (quoted directly from the boy).

Usually, I will recover from my morning sadness by doing chores and reading for my study. However, today was one of the unusual days for me, so I have to endure the strange emotion for a whole morning. Until I saw my friend’s story about his accident on his way to his office. Memories from my high school suddenly become the focal point of my mind. I remember three people that helped me navigate my teenage rage. He was one of those people. Bits and pieces with them flooding my mind.

The first flashback moment that I remember was when this particular person had an accident while we were in our high school year. It was quite bad. It is like I could still smell the hospital ward he was nursed. I remember how we sneak our way in and smuggled salad from a particular pizza parlour. Also, how we hid the mirror so he couldn’t find out how bad his condition was. The worst is that the anxiety I felt that day also came back, that is why I was so anxious about his recent accident.

After that moment, each of those three person’s face came to my mind. We were just catching up last week, but my longing for their presence, complete with their quirk humour, feel more real today. It feels so real it hurts; I couldn’t even put it into a sentence and tell them how I miss them directly. I need an outlet, so I write this for them and for me. I hope they will understand how much I miss them and how much I treasure their friendship.

We were brought together by our Scout activities: two girls and two boys, acting like we owned the world (especially the Scout world). We know each other family as we always annoyed them with our constant presence (or lack thereof 😆). We’ve been through ups and downs together. We never actually articulate it, but we just know that we love each other deeply.

Moments we shared are countless, yet it is also priceless at the same time. Even more so after we all led our separate lives.

I could still remember our talk one night, in the backyard of the house of one of us. We were thinking about our future selves. Dreaming about what we want to be, and where we are in several years later. Naively, one of us said that he will be the Chief of the Indonesian Scout Movement. His statement is so absurd that I forget what the others were saying that night.

Another moment that comes to my mind is the sleep-deprived weeks of reactivating a District Council in our school area. Funny thing that the most memorable moment is when I left the boys to work overnight in my house accompanied by my father, while I was fast asleep in my room.

I know the girl in our group the longest. We met when she was still in elementary school; she led her scout group proudly (that perceived as smug by us, the middle schooler). Not a chance of believing that we will be the best friend in just two years after that. 2001 was the year we finally could call each other ‘best friend’. We were young and naive, fooled by boys and men (especially me :sigh:) . The boys and men came and go, but we stand together. As close as ever, until those two came to invade our little circle.

Two became Four: much for other people’s resentment.

Unfortunately, our lives drifted us apart. This is the saddest part. We were acting like we have forever, while forever will never be ours. There were many stolen moments between us, many unspoken feelings, many regrets for our misunderstanding of each other, many things left unfinished. At least for me.

However, my biggest regret is that I have taken them for granted. For most of the time, I was full of my self. I ignore their warning, I avoid their inquiry. In the end, I know that they just want to save me from future regrets, and just like any best friend do, they were still there when I finally comprehend their trail of thoughts.

It is misguided to tell that we were always close after adulthood came upon us. It is a lie to state that our lives are still full of each other. We all have had our own life, our own little family, and we were not always talk to each other. As a matter of fact, we were rarely talking to each other. Sometimes, we weren’t aware of what happens to others. Nevertheless, when we see each other and talk to each other, it is like we never been separate; it is like we still understand each other.

Writing this made me realize that I don’t spend enough time with them. I grew apart from them prematurely. I didn’t spare enough attention for them while I was busy becoming someone that is not me. I was too busy to escape my own fear that I failed to recognize that I should’ve reached out to them and come clean about my trouble. I wasn’t entirely ‘present’ on their special days. I didn’t appreciate and love them enough. I feel like I’ve failed them.

Fortunately, they all live their lives fully now. They have found their ‘happily ever after’ love stories. They are content and happy. That is what matter. I just hope that they know that I love them so much, and I really miss them. This time I promise to be there anytime they need me, and I intend to keep my promise. I don’t want to lose them again.

This is for you three:

Our talk, our jokes, our mischiefs, are our memories.
Moments we spent together have melted into the subconscious.
Memories become vague;
Moments become rare;
Talking is now a luxury that we don't always have.

Those thousand minutes are now also a thousand minutes old.
Secrets could no more be fully kept and shared.
Laughter and tears are now rarely heard.
Nevertheless, we stand at each other side.

We become the memories.
We devour our memories,
Because the feeling remains real.

I am grateful for the love,
I am grateful for the friendship,
I am grateful to have you in my life,
I am grateful for the three of you.

Thank you!

Love,

The Dark Jasmine

Dear Zhaf #3

Hi there, Kiddo!

This is my annual letter for you, Zhaf – and I have managed to force my lazy fingers to finally write again. As always, I will begin with how much I love you and I know that you know it. This year will be difficult for us, since I have to left country for continuing my study and we will be separate for 6 months. Writing this is not only my way for ensuring my self that everything will be okay, that we will be okay, but also as a reminder for me that everything happen for a reason and I know that when you are old enough you will understand.

Enough about me, let us talk about you.

2019 marks your third birthday. You are a grown baby now! What a fun, yeaaa!

It is time for you to kick ball on the field every afternoon.
It is time for you to play cars any second you want to.
It is time for you to exercise you karate move to me every night before bed.
It is time for you to make me run after you, just because you love to see me catching my breath.
It is time for you to say no to something that you don’t feel like you want it.
It is time for you to recognize your feeling, choosing what make you happy instead of the one that bugs you.
It is time for you to watch Upin Ipin all you want in the weekend.
It is time for you to make your choice of who you want to have pillow talk with – Thanks for always choosing me over your Ayah 😆

However, dear…

This is also a time for you to understand that there is a whole bigger world out there that you need to figure out on your own.
This is also time for you to consider other’s feeling and to see something beyond your own world.

Do you sometime feel so overwhelm by all this stimulations around you? It is okay, dear. It is what world is made for, to overwhelm human. Just so a human could understand that a world is not only made for one person, but it is also for other human and other creatures.

Do you sometime feel so tired hearing me talk nonsense about kindness to other? It is okay, dear. It is why you are gifted with a mind to think and a heart to filter it. Soon enough, you will find all my nonsense are actually make sense and I believe that you can always spread kindness and love.

I believe in you, so you could believe in yourself.

Love you,
Bunda.

Dear Zhaf #2

The fourth of May has come again – faster than last year, would you believe it? 😀

Hi, Zhaf!

This one is for you, hopefully one day soon you will find it interesting enough to read in your spare time.

It has been a very long time for me not writing a post about you, maybe I should invest more time to humor you in the future, no? But seriously, many things happened!

I remember that I was starting to worry that you didn’t speak enough words when you were 18 months old, but then your cute little mouth couldn’t stop bubbling when you’ve turned 19 months. I do also remember how broke my heart was when you fell and need 2 stitches in your precious little forehead; nevertheless, you amazed me to see that you were holding yourself better than I did after the tragedy. Not long after that, you chose to wean yourself from breastfeeding –  oh boy, the pain in my heart was unimaginable.

Oh no. I need to stop talking about myself and my dramatic emotions. I want this post to be about you, Zhaf. This post has to speak to you and make you dizzy a little. 😆

Your smile! Yes! The smile of yours are precious and addictive. Everyone couldn’t get enough of that, especially when you are planning to do some mischief acts. Wonderful, yet foolish at the same time. I hope you’re not going to be a heart breaker someday.

Hmm.. That gave me an Idea.

Let’s talk about heart breaking, son.

I realize that this world is not turning into a direction that I like, but I know that you could always find something to fight for, something that make your life worth to live, and something that proof your existence is making this universe slightly more livable. No pressure there, buddy! Life is not only about sadness and desperation, it is also about love, laugh, and how to share the love and the laugh.

To Love.

Love has no boundaries. One day you will find your own way to love this universe and beyond. I wish that you could understand that Allah is the most merciful, thus human is blessed with it. Have mercy, my dear Son, so you could be grateful for all the things you’ve accomplished. Have mercy, not only for others but also for yourself – for you could not love others before you learn to love yourself. I wish that you could understand that Rasulullah is a kind person, thus you could learn to be humble and sincere like him. Be gentle, my dear Son, for this world is not only belong to our kind of people – any kind of people is also living this world (science and conscience told us that they are also human), so please treat them like you want to be treated (as human). And if you encounter something that you don’t like nor agree with; remember the most crucial thing that I always need to remind myself, too: condemn the action, not the actor. I know you will figure the meaning of this soon enough.

To Laugh.

Laugh is the best medicine in this world. One day you will find your own way to laugh with others – certainly not to laugh at others. Laugh is what your soul need after a long tiring journey. Laugh is what your mind need along your wonderful journey. Laugh is what your body need to start walking into the journey. If you remember how to laugh, you will remember how to respect others – especially the one that doesn’t respect you. Just remember : Laugh is contagious. 🙂

I think I’ve already take a lot of time from you with this one. Got to keep other words for other occasion so that you won’t be bored. You will never know how much I love you. ❤ u.

Happy Birthday, Zhaf!

Love,
Bunda.

Mother, how are you today?

Mother, how are you today?
Here is a note from your daughter.
With me everything is ok.
Mother, how are you today?

Mother, don’t worry, I’m fine.
Promise to see you this summer.
This time there will be no delay.
Mother, how are you today?

I found the man of my dreams.
Next time you will get to know him.
Many things happened while I was away.
Mother, how are you today?

So.. How are you today, Mom?

I could only sent you an Al-Fatihah and pray for you endlessly now..

But, let me tell you a story…
I am now a mother too, Mom.
You have a grandson that you could call ‘Zhaf’.

He is such an active teenage-baby and i love him more than I love myself sometime – especially when he is already fast asleep (I know you understand what I mean, rite?)

I am now a wife too, Mom.
You have a son-in-law that you could call ‘Ji’.

He is such an amazing human being that maybe you won’t understand why he agreed to marry me at the first place – especially because you really know how grumpy I could be sometime.

I am now a teacher too, Mom.
You are my aspiration.
You are my deep obsession.

You are my muse.

 

All in all.

I am fine, Mom.

More than fine : I am happy.

Just one thing to tell you,

I really miss you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, MA..

Much kisses,

Adek

A day after the 29th November

Dear Ma,
This is a day after your supposedly 62nd birthday.

Do you have any idea how much I miss you?

I guess you have, since you are there in the ever after life, but also I guess it’s not matter to you anymore because the only things that will reach you from me are my prays and my good deeds.
Do you have any idea how much I need you now?

I have been married for almost 7 months now, Ma. I also have been pregnant for 4 months. I really want you to be here by my side through all this rollercoaster of life.
Do you have any idea how much I envy others?

They could be hold by their mother every time they want, yet they criticise theirs for any little clumsiness. They could talk to their mother all night long, any day they want, yet they protest for how much theirs are over protective.
Do you have any idea how much you’ve inspired me?

Your love for others, your love for sharing, your love for teaching, your love for your family, your love for many little things that won’t matter to others have aspired me to always fight for what I love and what I want in my life.
Do you have any idea how much you mean to me, Ma?

Not only after you’ve gone, but long before I could even speak, I know I love you and I adore you. I hope you know it too. I hope what I’ve done when you were still with me showed how much I wanted you to smile and always be happy.
I love you, Ma. Still love you. Will always love you

For my dear Kak @MeeZahra

“You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you…”

George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

There is a girl,

born into one family,

a middle child,

the first girl in the family,

named Zelmidianti Adzel.

-/.-/-/.-

There is a girl,

build one little family,

married to a charming man,

a man of her dream,

and a daughter everybody loves.

-/.-/-/.-

There is a girl,

in a way to be a woman,

never realize that she is indeed a lady,

shining bright,

so radiant.

-/.-/-/.-

There is a woman,

loved

by everyone,

especially by me,

her naughty little sister.

-/.-/-/.-

There is a woman,

means everything to me,

more than my life,

more than my happiness.

-/.-/-/.-

Joy,

Blessed,

Wealth,

Everything good in this life,

Everything I could hope for,

I wish for it,

dearly for her.

-/.-/-/.-

I Love You,

my Sister,

always.

-/.-/-/.-

May Allah always loves you too.

from the deepest heart of @darkjasm

Happy little family
Happy little family

a Late Birthday post

I should have been posted this entry on January, 8th. I can’t make it back then, so I need to make another apology for this late post.

 

Happy Birthday!

You know how much i used to love you..

You know how much I still love you till now..

but you will never realize that I can’t stop loving you..

even when we start to grow apart..

I know that one day you will not remember me as your closest one..

I just want you to know that even at that time, I will love you..

until the very end..

.always.

Happy Birthday, my sweet little love!

Continue reading “a Late Birthday post”

a note from a bestfriend

Orang lain selalu datang dan pergi dalam hidup kita. Begitu juga halnya dengan segala sesuatu yang ada di muka bumi. Gak akan ada yang bertahan selamanya. Memang begitulah takdir yang sudah digariskan oleh-Nya. Semua berlalu, menghilang dan terlupakan seiring waktu. Gak bisa diperlambat, gak bisa dipercepat, apalagi dihentikan.

Apa yang kita alami di masa lalu, akan menjadi kenangan di masa kini dan menjadi pelajaran untuk masa depan. Biarlah menjadi memori indah yang selalu menghiasi ingatan kita. Tarik hikmah dari tiap serpihan takdir yang telah kita lewati. Itu akan jadi pengalaman berharga dari pada hanya menyesali diri.

Sedih memang kalo ingat segala hal yang ‘tidak sempat’ kita lakukan saat kita masih dikelilingi teman. Tapi bukan berarti kita boleh berputus asa, mari kita rajut lagi memori baru yang menyenangkan bersama apapun dan siapapun yang menemani kita menjalani setiap detik perputaran waktu.

a respond for this post

Courtesy of Ridho M. Dhani.

p.s Thank you for not asking anything and thank you for not laughing at me, at all.

🙂

a Love Letter for Mommy

dear Mom..

i wanted to write something nice for you, but I think I’ve lose my ability to write poetry these days. Many things have happened to me, Mom. Many things.

People said that if you need to be calm down, come to your mommy and you’ll feel safe.

I wanted to tell you stories, about my happiness, my sadness, my dreams, my broken heart, my obsession, my twisted mind, my bizarre points of views. I wanted to tell you everything about my life. everything.

People said that your mommy will appreciate your story, even if your story isn’t worth to hear after all.

I wanted to show you how much I love you, how much your love means to me, how much my fear for losing you, how much I need your support, or just how much I miss you.

People said that you need to acknowledge your parents how much you love them before it’s too late to tell them.

Do you remember how I appreciate your cooking, How I love weekend when you made something for us just to make us wanted to be at home all the time?

Do you remember how excited we were when we watched daddy played Tennis, how we yell, dance and eat after that?

Do you remember how worried we are when we hear that my sister fall from the stair?

Do you remember how i sneaked to your bed late at night when i couldn’t sleep because of the stomachache and you need to rub my back all night just to calm me?

I do remember those, Mom. I will always remember those memories for those are the only things I could done when I really want to hug you.

I Miss You and I love You.

Happy birthday, Mom. even you’ve stopped aging since 2003.

Happy birthday, Ma.

Love,

darkjasm