31 yo and depressed.

This is supposed to be written a week ago, but essays got in the way. *yes, Z.. blame the essay! :lol:

September is always a special month for me. I love the anticipation of my upcoming birthday at the end of the month. I used to hope that people care for me and send me birthday wishes at midnight. I used to be upset if I only got a few birthday greetings.

…but then, maturity bug bits me.

The excitement of September is still felt, but the anticipation of the birthday has worn off. I am no longer hang my happiness on the numbers of wishes I got; hence, I am no longer a party go lucky girl. I begin to set my birth date as private in all my social media and go on with my life. Thus, I am very content with all the wishes that I got every year. All that wishes matter to me – no more empty wishes because I finally found the needle between the haystack.

Here comes the hardest part. Reflecting on my 31 years on earth.

When I was a little girl, someone in the age of 30ish perceived as very old. Ancient. But now, I am the 30ish woman…. Yeah, old…but not very old. 🙃

On a more serious note… I feel like my whole life has been a quest to find my self. Looking back into my life, I am surprised how much life has transformed me. Some part for the better, the other half is worsened. Nevertheless, I am who I am today because of all the choices I made yesterday. There is no regret in the current direction of my life, but I also need to admit that anxiety is still my best friend. Sometimes it leads me into temporary regression, but in the end, I will always find lights to see those things from a different perspective. Is it work? Yes! By looking from different perspective, we will realise that what we have done is not only bad but also embarrassing :sigh: nonetheless, there is no good in glorifying our mistake in the past. The one that matter is the way you deal with your mistake and own it, then go on with your life. This is what I always do, just go on: bad things will end, and so will good things.

I am an introvert pretending to be an extrovert. People will remember me as a chitty chatty girl with a smile on her face. Those things are exhausted. I feel so tired every time I have to put my happy face and pretend that everything is okay. Make no mistake, I am a cheerful girl, but I am not the always happy girl. However, I am very good at pretending everything is under control. I am good at pretending to be happy and calm. After these 31 years, I finally acknowledge that I am depressed. Yet, I keep it to myself because I know that nobody really wants to know my real story. Nobody really cares about what is going on in my mind. Nobody will believe if I told them that I am not okay. Everybody will say “We believe you can!”. Yes, I can…just not always.

My quest to find my self is not finished. I am not even sure that it will end. Every day in my life has been a rollercoaster of events and moods. I know those are the perks of being human, but sometimes I feel tired and just want a nice nap and cuddle. Lately, I found out that feeling tired and the need of taking a break is normal. We owe ourselves those nice treatments because our mind and our body always work hard to keep with our overtime insanity to keep us sane. Also, I just found out that we can push our limit while at the same time, accelerate our breaking point into infinity (what exactly is this statement supposed to mean?).

See?

I am not good at reflecting. These are not reflections. This is me, trash-talking my self…. and these are things inside my mind every time I have a mental break down. (And it is pretty often).

Here is my summary: I am a 31 years woman who is not in my best point right now. However, I acknowledge it and accept my worst self because I know that I will also have the up moments. This worst stage will eventually pass, and the best is yet to come.

….and also, maybe all this miserable feeling is growing in my mind because I miss Zhafran so much it hurts.

Ciao,

The DarkJasmine

Pst. Once again, it is okay to say that you are not okay. It is also okay that you want to pretend that you are okay, as long as you really believe that you will eventually be okay.

Seek help if you need one. :))

Dear Zhaf #2

The fourth of May has come again – faster than last year, would you believe it? 😀

Hi, Zhaf!

This one is for you, hopefully one day soon you will find it interesting enough to read in your spare time.

It has been a very long time for me not writing a post about you, maybe I should invest more time to humor you in the future, no? But seriously, many things happened!

I remember that I was starting to worry that you didn’t speak enough words when you were 18 months old, but then your cute little mouth couldn’t stop bubbling when you’ve turned 19 months. I do also remember how broke my heart was when you fell and need 2 stitches in your precious little forehead; nevertheless, you amazed me to see that you were holding yourself better than I did after the tragedy. Not long after that, you chose to wean yourself from breastfeeding – oh boy, the pain in my heart was unimaginable.

Oh no. I need to stop talking about myself and my dramatic emotions. I want this post to be about you, Zhaf. This post has to speak to you and make you dizzy a little. 😆

Your smile! Yes! The smile of yours are precious and addictive. Everyone couldn’t get enough of that, especially when you are planning to do some mischief acts. Wonderful, yet foolish at the same time. I hope you’re not going to be a heart breaker someday.

Hmm.. That gave me an Idea.

Let’s talk about heart breaking, son.

I realize that this world is not turning into a direction that I like, but I know that you could always find something to fight for, something that make your life worth to live, and something that proof your existence is making this universe slightly more livable. No pressure there, buddy! Life is not only about sadness and desperation, it is also about love, laugh, and how to share the love and the laugh.

To Love.

Love has no boundaries. One day you will find your own way to love this universe and beyond. I wish that you could understand that Allah is the most merciful, thus human is blessed with it. Have mercy, my dear Son, so you could be grateful for all the things you’ve accomplished. Have mercy, not only for others but also for yourself – for you could not love others before you learn to love yourself. I wish that you could understand that Rasulullah is a kind person, thus you could learn to be humble and sincere like him. Be gentle, my dear Son, for this world is not only belong to our kind of people – any kind of people is also living this world (science and conscience told us that they are also human), so please treat them like you want to be treated (as human). And if you encounter something that you don’t like nor agree with; remember the most crucial thing that I always need to remind myself, too: condemn the action, not the actor. I know you will figure the meaning of this soon enough.

To Laugh.

Laugh is the best medicine in this world. One day you will find your own way to laugh with others – certainly not to laugh at others. Laugh is what your soul need after a long tiring journey. Laugh is what your mind need along your wonderful journey. Laugh is what your body need to start walking into the journey. If you remember how to laugh, you will remember how to respect others – especially the one that doesn’t respect you. Just remember : Laugh is contagious. 🙂

I think I’ve already take a lot of time from you with this one. Got to keep other words for other occasion so that you won’t be bored. You will never know how much I love you. ❤ u.

Happy Birthday, Zhaf!

Love,

Bunda.

A day after the 29th November

Dear Ma,
This is a day after your supposedly 62nd birthday.

Do you have any idea how much I miss you?

I guess you have, since you are there in the ever after life, but also I guess it’s not matter to you anymore because the only things that will reach you from me are my prays and my good deeds.
Do you have any idea how much I need you now?

I have been married for almost 7 months now, Ma. I also have been pregnant for 4 months. I really want you to be here by my side through all this rollercoaster of life.
Do you have any idea how much I envy others?

They could be hold by their mother every time they want, yet they criticise theirs for any little clumsiness. They could talk to their mother all night long, any day they want, yet they protest for how much theirs are over protective.
Do you have any idea how much you’ve inspired me?

Your love for others, your love for sharing, your love for teaching, your love for your family, your love for many little things that won’t matter to others have aspired me to always fight for what I love and what I want in my life.
Do you have any idea how much you mean to me, Ma?

Not only after you’ve gone, but long before I could even speak, I know I love you and I adore you. I hope you know it too. I hope what I’ve done when you were still with me showed how much I wanted you to smile and always be happy.
I love you, Ma. Still love you. Will always love you

for a Beautiful Bride

Nearly 15 years ago, I met a girl, using round eye-glasses for her sharp eyes with a short hair that gave her a “tough” person image.

Our first encounter was in Muhibbah Camp and she was a troop leader. An elementary school girl with lots of Scouting experiences. We weren’t friendly back then because of our troop had some kind of hard feeling that I couldn’t recalled why.

One year later, when I was in my second year of junior high school, We met again. She was a first year and when we were in our weekly scout meeting, she was already a star because she knew our trainer very well. Nope, we weren’t friend yet but the hard feeling is over, we started fresh and nice “hi” relationship.

National Scout Jamboree was the reason of our forever-last friendship. We were the only female delegates from our school and turned out that her families were old friends of my parents. After the Jamboree, we’ve been through many journeys together, Ranger Scout National Championship was one of the event that made our bond became stronger (this is the way I use darkjasm as my nick, you could read about it here. She is the leader of the Jasmine Troop). We went to the same senior high school, one year apart but we went to different university. Distance was not and never will be an obstacle in our friendship. We remained strong during the university time, even we weren’t talking to each other every day, we always knew that we have each other.

She was a born leader. I adore her for her amazing personality. She is the one that I can always count if anything happen to me. She is a pearl for me. I am blessed to have her in my life and much more blessed to call her my best friend.

Last week supposed to be the a happy week for her. Human can only plan, God will do the rest. Her father passed away a day before her wedding. I know right there that I need to be with her, maybe she is tough enough to deal it on her own, since I am the lamest one between us, not her, but I know that the least I could do to return all the favor that she has done to me is to be with her in that saddest moment of her life.

The wedding ceremony was held with many adjustments, because her family believe that her father would not approve if the wedding to be delayed. 25th of January, Jeliria Karniawati, my best friend is now someone’s wife, Deny Rendra‘s wife to be exact.

My beautiful girl turned to be a very beautiful bride.

I know that Papa really loves you and I know that he saw how beautiful you were on your wedding dress.

I love you to the end of the galaxy!

Happy Birthday to you, my beloved best friend.. I am still amazed that you could handle me gently for such a long time, because I know I am a hard person to befriend.

Thank you for being my best friend.

I wish the very best wishes for your new life, Mrs Idhen.. 😆

Love,

The tenth Jasmine

ps. Just found out that the daily post is also about a BFF.

…I don’t know why I couldn’t upload the photos, always get the error notif. Will be uploading it soon.

I’m 24 now

Here come the 29th of September…
It’s my birthday!

This year birthday is quite different for me. I am a sucker for surprise, celebration and gifts. I usually have a kind of “anticipation” feeling upon my birthday. I could feel the happy feeling long before the birthday date, but this year, I’ve missed the all birthday musing feelings.. I didn’t feel very exciting like I used to feel. I even almost forget it if many people around me didn’t keep reminding me about my upcoming birthday..

I don’t know why, is it a part of growing up? That i’ve become a somebody that I don’t know?
Anyway…
My birthday is almost over, i didn’t get the birthday cake this year. And somehow I’m not upset because of it (birthday cake is one thing that I used to really want for my birthday, plus the presents also). But i still get the gifts and i love it!!!

Instead of getting the surprise like usual, i’ve spent the day hanging around with my father, boyfie, and sister. Eat much, shopping and watching movies at home. For one of my best friends is getting a minor surgery, i’m not so into celebration this year…

With or without the celebration and the sacred feeling about my birthday, i still feel very blessed..
I want to thank all of you,,
Thanks for being my family, thanks for being my boyfriend, thanks for being my great friends, thanks for being someone i ever meet!
Thank you, all of you, for making me feel blessed..
🙂

It’s nearly the end of my 29th September
..Happy birthday for me…

UPDATE!! #penting lol

I’ve got the Cake, in 30th September