Four Hearts

I’ve just realized that I’ve taken them for granted. It’s like I know that they will always have my back whenever I need them. It should not be that way. It should’ve been a two-way relationship.

I woke up this morning feeling a little melancholic. I couldn’t exactly figure what is missing, but I am sure that I missed something. Waking up to a hole in my heart, that even my mind couldn’t comprehend the exact emotion, was not a great way to start a day; especially when you have to tend to a super active ‘cool boy’ (quoted directly from the boy).

Usually, I will recover from my morning sadness by doing chores and reading for my study. However, today was one of the unusual days for me, so I have to endure the strange emotion for a whole morning. Until I saw my friend’s story about his accident on his way to his office. Memories from my high school suddenly become the focal point of my mind. I remember three people that helped me navigate my teenage rage. He was one of those people. Bits and pieces with them flooding my mind.

The first flashback moment that I remember was when this particular person had an accident while we were in our high school year. It was quite bad. It is like I could still smell the hospital ward he was nursed. I remember how we sneak our way in and smuggled salad from a particular pizza parlour. Also, how we hid the mirror so he couldn’t find out how bad his condition was. The worst is that the anxiety I felt that day also came back, that is why I was so anxious about his recent accident.

After that moment, each of those three person’s face came to my mind. We were just catching up last week, but my longing for their presence, complete with their quirk humour, feel more real today. It feels so real it hurts; I couldn’t even put it into a sentence and tell them how I miss them directly. I need an outlet, so I write this for them and for me. I hope they will understand how much I miss them and how much I treasure their friendship.

We were brought together by our Scout activities: two girls and two boys, acting like we owned the world (especially the Scout world). We know each other family as we always annoyed them with our constant presence (or lack thereof ūüėÜ). We’ve been through ups and downs together. We never actually articulate it, but we just know that we love each other deeply.

Moments we shared are countless, yet it is also priceless at the same time. Even more so after we all led our separate lives.

I could still remember our talk one night, in the backyard of the house of one of us. We were thinking about our future selves. Dreaming about what we want to be, and where we are in several years later. Naively, one of us said that he will be the Chief of the Indonesian Scout Movement. His statement is so absurd that I forget what the others were saying that night.

Another moment that comes to my mind is the sleep-deprived weeks of reactivating a District Council in our school area. Funny thing that the most memorable moment is when I left the boys to work overnight in my house accompanied by my father, while I was fast asleep in my room.

I know the girl in our group the longest. We met when she was still in elementary school; she led her scout group proudly (that perceived as smug by us, the middle schooler). Not a chance of believing that we will be the best friend in just two years after that. 2001 was the year we finally could call each other ‘best friend’. We were young and naive, fooled by boys and men (especially me :sigh:) . The boys and men came and go, but we stand together. As close as ever, until those two came to invade our little circle.

Two became Four: much for other people’s resentment.

Unfortunately, our lives drifted us apart. This is the saddest part. We were acting like we have forever, while forever will never be ours. There were many stolen moments between us, many unspoken feelings, many regrets for our misunderstanding of each other, many things left unfinished. At least for me.

However, my biggest regret is that I have taken them for granted. For most of the time, I was full of my self. I ignore their warning, I avoid their inquiry. In the end, I know that they just want to save me from future regrets, and just like any best friend do, they were still there when I finally comprehend their trail of thoughts.

It is misguided to tell that we were always close after adulthood came upon us. It is a lie to state that our lives are still full of each other. We all have had our own life, our own little family, and we were not always talk to each other. As a matter of fact, we were rarely talking to each other. Sometimes, we weren’t aware of what happens to others. Nevertheless, when we see each other and talk to each other, it is like we never been separate; it is like we still understand each other.

Writing this made me realize that I don’t spend enough time with them. I grew apart from them prematurely. I didn’t spare enough attention for them while I was busy becoming someone that is not me. I was too busy to escape my own fear that I failed to recognize that I should’ve reached out to them and come clean about my trouble. I wasn’t entirely ‘present’ on their special days. I didn’t appreciate and love them enough. I feel like I’ve failed them.

Fortunately, they all live their lives fully now. They have found their ‘happily ever after’ love stories. They are content and happy. That is what matter. I just hope that they know that I love them so much, and I really miss them. This time I promise to be there anytime they need me, and I intend to keep my promise. I don’t want to lose them again.

This is for you three:

Our talk, our jokes, our mischiefs, are our memories.
Moments we spent together have melted into the subconscious.
Memories become vague;
Moments become rare;
Talking is now a luxury that we don't always have.

Those thousand minutes are now also a thousand minutes old.
Secrets could no more be fully kept and shared.
Laughter and tears are now rarely heard.
Nevertheless, we stand at each other side.

We become the memories.
We devour our memories,
Because the feeling remains real.

I am grateful for the love,
I am grateful for the friendship,
I am grateful to have you in my life,
I am grateful for the three of you.

Thank you!


The Dark Jasmine

…on Friend and Friendship

“Books! And cleverness! There are more important things ‚Äď friendship and bravery”

– Hermione Granger

Every Potterhead like me must have been dreaming about having friends and friendship like what Harry had in his journey, but our reality is different from Harry’s reality because we are living in this boring muggle’s universe. Friendship is carved not just popped. Friends need to be made through one or more live-saving or truth-facing incidents.

We’ve been through many stages in our lives, still in one stage and will face many stages in the future. Every stages bring its own experience that sometime with an extended package, it introduce us to people that will stay in our heart and labeled as friend (some will labeled as best-friend-forever).

Since I am a huge fan of Erikson’s Psychosocial Development Theory, I will take his perspective on this post. According to Erikson, I am now in Early Adulthood Stage which crisis is intimacy vs isolation. Characteristics of this stage is we are able to reach out and connect with others and the favorable outcome is become intimate with someone and work toward career.

As an early adult, we are given the liberty of adult but also the responsibility. Our responsibility as an adult is not only for ourselves but also for the community. Society will push us to have a job, career, occupation, passion, or any other name of it. Beside having an income to support our lives, society will begin to push us to have a spouse or significant other, especially if you live in a country like mine where a woman is supposed to get married around 25yo.

According to what Erikson has said about this stage, someone need to acquire a sense of intimacy by accepting oneself and fusing one personality with others in order to accept others. It is the hard part of being an adult with many responsibilities. Sometime we tend to forget that we need someone or even a community to back us up when we are down. We are in a very productive age so we think that we need to pursue our dream as hard as we can even if we have to let many people disappointed at us in the process. As an adult, we are joining the world full of intrigues and hidden agendas, even ourselves had one or two. If we forget the basic principle of making friend and just building a relationship in a very manipulative way, we will have friends but we still won’t sense the intimacy.

Friendship is based on a mutual feeling. People will stick to someone who treasure their presence, because unrequited love is really tiring.


Woody Woodpecker #3 : Jodohku

So.. back to Woody woodpecker adventure in Yogyakarta, many stories left to tell..

Salah seorang petualang bernama DekLys, beliau baru pertama kali berpetualang bersama 2 orang petualang yang lain (yang berdua sudah sering pergi bersama). Seperti para anggota baru lainnya, she became a perfect victim to be trolled. lol

Berawal dari ketidaksengajaan, I was just taking picture in This Gambir Station and when I was capturing DekLys, the pic I took lead us to assume that dekLys has found her “Jodoh” dan timbullah ide bahwa perjalanan kali ini adalah perjalanan dekLys menemukan “jodohkuuu” *sing an Anang hermansyah Song*

Disclaimer :

Kami tidak mengenal para pria di Foto, mereka hanya pria kurang beruntung yang tak sengaja berada di dekat kami. ūüėÄ

have fun seeing the photos!

the first one..

The first one is at Gambir Station, we know nothing about that man, just passsing by.. ūüėÄ

the second..

This one is a phenomenon, dia tidur dari kereta belum berangkat sampai kereta berhenti di Yogyakarta, cuma bangun ketika ada barang jatuh dan menyingkap rahasia dibalik selimutnya.. hmm *misterius*

please don’t look at DekLys lips,, please.. :p
it’s too sexy to be true

We know this man,, it’s the most heartbreaking moment for DekLys to be apart from him, to say a farewell.. hehee

too bad dekLys could only found 3 "jodoh" in this jorney.. *sigh*

*peace ah.. ampun ya DekLys..



Random Afternoon FB Chat

..31 Desember 2010..

in the afternoon, i had a great chat with one of my old friend,,

kinda enlighten for me,,

i hope u all enjoy it,,

i hope he doesn’t mind if i post it out here,,

so #random, but I like this kind of conversation,,


–signed in–

Him (14:25) : hui!

Me    (14:29) : hiu!

Him (14:30) : uih!

Me    (14:40) : ihu!

Him (14:40) : uhi!

Me    (14:40) : iuh!

Him (14:40) : sampe kapan ini dipanjangin?lol

Me    (15:15) : sampai malam di yogyaaaaaa,,

Him (15:18) : sampai kita tinggal kita berdua yang hidup di bumi

Me    (15:20) : sampai jumpa lagi,,

Him (15:20) : sampaikan salamku padanya

Me    (15:21) : pada rumput yang terdiam tak ditemani angin?

Him (15:22) : pada jiwa-jiwa kosong yang rindu pada hari minggu.

Me    (15:23) : pada hari-hari padat yang berhiaskan kabut kelam?

Him  (15:26) : yang perlahan-lahan mengkebiri definisi mereka sebagai manusia.

Me     (15:27): sukarela menyerah pada dewa maut bertopeng harta,,

Him (15:28) : tidak harus mati untuk hidup lebih lama.

Me    (15:30) : terkadang harus mencecap maut untuk merasakan hidup

Him  (15:31) : goalnya dialog kita ini apa sih sebenarnya?hahaha

Me    (15:32) : mungkin untuk melengkapi defisit gol Indonesia kmrn,,

Him (15:32) : I like your mind. for real.

Me    (15:33) : chaotic mind, maksudnya?? bingung mw seneng apa sedih,,

Him (15:34) : the corner you standing on. I like it. The angle you take the words as a pict. masalah maya apa lagi yang kamu anggap nyata?

Me   (15:36) : sometime i just love to live in my own mind,, in my dream,,

Him (15:36) : me too

Me    (15:36) : coz i feel safe there,,

Him (15:36) : absolutely. tidak butuh gejolak hormonal yang bertubi2 untuk bercinta dengan diri sendiri.

Me    (15:37) : agree on that,,

Him¬†(15:38) :¬†I know u would agree, that’s why i said i like your mind.

Me    (15:39) : lebih baik diabaikan daripada diintervensi,, for me,, ^malah curcol^ hahaha

Him (15:40) : bener. intervensi terbukti sebagai penyebab umum konflik. dan konflik 1 akan membidani lahirnya konflik selanjutnya.

Me     (15:41) : yup,, terkadang ada hal yang lebih baik diabaikan daripada diperdebatkan,,

Him  (15:42) : banyak hal sepertinya.

Me ¬† ¬† (15:43) :¬†hahaha,, kalo diterusin gak bakal selesai ini,, :))¬†daku siapsiap mw balik dulu yaaa,,¬†nice chat!¬†goodbye for a while,,¬†see you in another dream,,¬†yours or mine isn’t matter,,¬†as long as it’s in a dream,,¬†we’ll safe,,

Him (15:45) : take care.

Me    (15:45) : knickknock! take care too!

Him¬†(15:45) :¬†admire the dreams but don’t escape the reality my friend..

Me    (15:45) : yup,, working d reality is my side job,, haa

Him¬†(15:46) :¬†hahahahaha¬†hati2 jadi freak…hahaha

Me    (15:46) : peringatan anda sudah terlambat teman,, itulah knapa saya masuk psikologi,, ah sudahlah,, dadaaaaahhh,,

–signed out–