They love me, they love me not

Last week, we studied about personality in my classes and my students got very fascinated by Freud’s Defense Mechanism. I asked them to try to analyze their own personality with one of the Personality Theory as our weekly assignment and most of them analyzed their kind of defense mechanism.

There are many forms of defense mechanism, they are: denial (the refusal to face the threat); Repression (suppress the anxiety away from awareness); regression (return to a form of an earlier stage of development behaviors); Displacement (transfer impulses from unsuitable objects to socially acceptable objects); Sublimation (channeling impulses into more positive efforts); Reaction formation (expresses impulses in a 180 degrees different kind of attitudes); Projection (assuming other person is facing our own unacceptable impulses); Rationalization (self-deceiving justifications for unacceptable behaviors).

Many of my students confessed in their assignment that they commonly use rationalization to make peace with their unacceptable behaviors and I found that understandable because they are in a transition from teenagers to adults, you need many excuses to cope in this transitions.

The thing is, I also experience something that made me analyze my own defense mechanism. I really lost in grief these past days. I kinda thought that some people really hate me after all the things I’ve done for them. I felt like I’m crushed. I love them for real and I didn’t feel like my feeling is reciprocal. The unloved feeling has keep me from tight sleep and started to influence my health negatively. I feel that they avoiding me, they did something wrong to me but they act like I am the one to be blamed. I hate to be in this kind of situation where you know that this was not a healthy relationship but you can’t just quit because you really care about the person and after all the sacrifices, turned out that you meant nothing for them.

Sucked, no?

What make it more sucked is that those people act like everything is fine between us and their casual attitudes shock me. Am I looking into these whole things from a wrong view? That is the moment when I finally understand the situation. I suddenly feel like I am the most stupid person to over reacting in this situation. I figure out that this conflict only happen in my mind. I was fighting with my own perspective. I am projecting my disappointments to other people. I was disappointed at how they treated me like I was not their friends but I projected it as they disappointed at me and didn’t want me at their life anymore.

Yes. This whole time. I finally understand that I keep projecting my own feeling towards others.

I still have a feeling that all of my thoughts about this unhealthy relationships are true but right now I just want to think it as my own fear that has been projected. I prefer to think it this way because I am so used to find my own happiness, I don’t want to depend my feeling to others. If I thought this is only me, projecting my fear onto others, then it will be easier to fix these inner conflicts and keep it in me.

See guys? We’ve learn something together. I am just a knowledge tool that shares a book’s texts to you but all of you share a bit of your soul to me that really helps me to find my own self. I cannot thank you all enough for this life lessons.

mumbling #2

 Go up close to your friend, but do not go over to him! We should also respect the enemy in our friend.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

I don’t know what I want to state in this post. Been through harsh time recently and just couldn’t find  the perfect words to describe what i’ve been through in my hearts. I just thought that I had to write something just to keep my sanity intact.

Sangat sulit memang kalo kita merasa bertepuk sebelah tangan dalam sebuah hubungan, when we trully love someone and turns out that this person didn’t feel the same way as we feel. That is a heartbreaking feeling, in and out. Perasaan bertepuk sebelah tangan tidak selamanya hanya dalam masalah percintaan, bisa juga ketika orang tua mencintai anaknya yang malah membencinya and vice versa, moreover it could happen in a Friendship.

Menjalin sebuah hubungan melibatkan banyak hal yang sangat kompleks seperti berbagai macam perasaan, komitmen dan pastinya kepentingan. Seseorang menjalin hubungan karena ada kepentingan yang ingin dia penuhi, ada kebutuhan yang ingin dia puaskan, ada dorongan yang ingin dia lepaskan, tepi kemudian hubungan itu berlandas hanya sebuah dorongan sebelah pihak atau adanya balasan dari pihak yang lain, itu tergantung manusia yang terlibat di dalamnya.

Saya pernah merasakan cinta yang bertepuk sebelah tangan sebelumnya. Hurt, indeed but not as hurt as this wound. Luka kali ini karena perasaan yang bertepuk sebelah tangan sangat menyakitkan, mungkin karena saya sangat percaya pada hubungan ini sehingga saya  mengikatkan terlalu banyak harapan di sana. Harapan yang melambung kata orang membuat lebih sakit ketika jatuh, dan benar saja, saya hanya bisa memasang tampang baik-baik saja sementara dalam hati yah.. hanya saya yang tahu betapa perihnya.

Mungkin ini hanya perasaan saya yang menjadi sangat sensitif, but I feel humiliated by this broken relationship. So humiliated that I could even think that I just someone who has no value in other’s heart, they just come to me when they need me, nothing else, nothing more. I feel so broken inside.

For you, Thank you for teaching me that I could trust no people.

For you, Thank you for not care about me as much as I care about you, but I do still care about you, coz I know that one day you’ll realize that you need other people and one day you’ll admit that you’ve treated people so bad before because you just feel so arrogant that you think you will never need the other. One day, for sure, you’ll understand how much you’ve hurt me.

Thank you.

or should I make an apology to you?

saya rasa bisa saja saya lah yang salah dalam segala hal sehingga anda tidak bisa membalas perasaan saya, mungkin saya sudah terlalu lancang mencampuri banyak urusan anda, saya sudah terlalu sering membuat anda merasa terganggu, atau mungkin apa yang menurut saya perhatian ternyata adalah hal yang anda benci, tidak anda butuhkan? atau memang saya saja yang salah dengan menjadi saya. Atau saya sudah melanggar apa yang dikatakan Nietzsche?

I’m sorry, please accept my apology

I don’t know what is happening here if you keep shutting your mind. I could pretend that anything is just alright between us, I could lie to other people, but could I lie to my self? I don’t know what I need to do if you don’t tell me.

I just need the truth in your answer.

From Darkjasm;

To whom it may concerns.