Dear Zhaf #3

Hi there, Kiddo!

This is my annual letter for you, Zhaf – and I have managed to force my lazy fingers to finally write again. As always, I will begin with how much I love you and I know that you know it. This year will be difficult for us, since I have to left country for continuing my study and we will be separate for 6 months. Writing this is not only my way for ensuring my self that everything will be okay, that we will be okay, but also as a reminder for me that everything happen for a reason and I know that when you are old enough you will understand.

Enough about me, let us talk about you.

2019 marks your third birthday. You are a grown baby now! What a fun, yeaaa!

It is time for you to kick ball on the field every afternoon.
It is time for you to play cars any second you want to.
It is time for you to exercise you karate move to me every night before bed.
It is time for you to make me run after you, just because you love to see me catching my breath.
It is time for you to say no to something that you don’t feel like you want it.
It is time for you to recognize your feeling, choosing what make you happy instead of the one that bugs you.
It is time for you to watch Upin Ipin all you want in the weekend.
It is time for you to make your choice of who you want to have pillow talk with – Thanks for always choosing me over your Ayah 😆

However, dear…

This is also a time for you to understand that there is a whole bigger world out there that you need to figure out on your own.
This is also time for you to consider other’s feeling and to see something beyond your own world.

Do you sometime feel so overwhelm by all this stimulations around you? It is okay, dear. It is what world is made for, to overwhelm human. Just so a human could understand that a world is not only made for one person, but it is also for other human and other creatures.

Do you sometime feel so tired hearing me talk nonsense about kindness to other? It is okay, dear. It is why you are gifted with a mind to think and a heart to filter it. Soon enough, you will find all my nonsense are actually make sense and I believe that you can always spread kindness and love.

I believe in you, so you could believe in yourself.

Love you,
Bunda.

Feminism and Diversity

The final of 2018 World Cup was over, but the hype is still on. As a non-fan of football, I -like anyone else- also want to weigh in to the final of World Cup. Married to a football fan, I have the general knowledge of almost all the match, but not in a detail move by move review (although I suspect that my husband tried to explain it to me while my mind was wandering to somewhere else 😆 ). The final match was a surprise for many people because somehow, all their favourite teams are coming home – sorry England, It is -not- coming home.

France VS Croatia. No one really anticipated this match when the World Cup started, but that was the reality now. Much of unanticipated things are currently happening in this world – yes, I am pointing my finger to you: UK, USA, and also Indonesia! (I am sorry for this emotional finger pointing, but yeah, I was rather saddened because of these things which are happening right now). Back to The Final Match. My husband supported France because he was very happy with their performances led to final and I was a #TeamCroatia, simply because It has a Female President. :))

My attention drew to this final after the match has over and France came as the Winner; although, my husband did admit that Croatian Team played a very good game. The narratives surrounding this match are the reason behind this post. When I stated earlier that I simply support Croatia because of President Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović, it was because I always find my self amazed by female fighter in this patriarchal society. I was eager to find out more about her political career; thus, I googled. Madame President was really playing her card well during this 2018 World Cup: traveled to Moscow with commercial economy flights on her personal expenses, only missed one match of her National Team because of NATO Summit, watched mostly in a non-VIP Stand (source). Despite many people said something about her PR for a re-election campaign, as long as it contributed into the much-needed good stories for the world: I’m buying it. While googling about President Grabar-Kitarović, there are things that unsettled my heart. The first few pages of my google search’s results was shocking, but not surprising, because almost all the news headline stated something like “the beautiful president” in describing her and much of the article started with something like “people want to know her age, because she is so beautiful” or “A sexy president”. Her beauty was indeed something that of extraordinary; nevertheless, that is not something that one will use when describing Emmanuel Macron who was also present at the final match. They just appreciate him being there and being a very supportive President like President Grabar-Kitarović: only, without the sexist compliments.

Some people might think that I am overreacting: these things mean no harm to Madame President, or even a statement like “these are compliments and Madame President could benefit from all these publications.” Benefit from these kind of articles? Oh yeah, She could gain more popularity, which is in fact happen to her after World Cup. The thing unsettled me was the fact that these narratives are considered normal and how deep it would affect girls all over the world. It is okay to compliment someone, but it is not okay to spread message that beautiful face or sexiness are considered to be the most important factor in telling a story about a woman. Reactions from people all around the world to this amazing display of affection from a President to her National Team show how wrong we are in measuring actions perform by Woman. This is not the right thing to do in appreciating a successful woman and objectifying, no matter how subtle, is #neverokay.

Now, about the winning team: France. They are the centre of all the attentions in the after party, since they are a perfect symbol of diversity. France National Football Team has non fewer than 15 athletes whom tied to Africa, and about two-thirds of the team members are descendants of immigrants – or even the immigrant themselves. (Source). The best Young player (not coincidentally also my husband’s favourite player) : Kylian Mbappe, is a moslem boy which parents originated from Africa and grew up in a suburb on the outskirt of Paris – Bondy (Source). Mbappe is a living proof of how amazing an immigrant could be, despite all the stereotypes and discriminating act they have received from many sides.

Immigration became the focus of many governments when they are addressing their national security measures. Immigrants often associated by people to bad things; moreover, almost all threats in many countries appraised to be brought by immigrants. We are such in a low state of trust that people need to remind each other often that there are many great immigrants and that many of the immigrants have bigger contribution then the natives in building their country. This is not something we should discussed after a World Cup match, but this is our reality recently: even a sport event could spark big discussion of humanity in the universe.

Between the objectifying of women and better immigration policy around the world, which one is more pressing matter at this moment? Yes, we could not prioritise one above another. It is equally terrifying to realise that we are living in a world where some people lose their privilege only by being born to this world. We are terrified of things that we have no knowledge of, and we treat someone that is different from us as an outsider and keep a primitive way in handling these differences: Us vs Them. We treat them different. We perceived their action and intention differently. Nothing good will come if we keep discriminating each other.

Discrimination is a sole problem of many trouble: discrimination against women, discrimination against immigrants, discrimination against anything that is different from “The biased-normal standard of our society”. Stereotype plays a big part in inducing the discrimination: therefore, we need to start talking to each other to excise society-embed stereotypes. We need to share a positive spin of this event so that the narrative will grow into something useful: understanding each other.

On the sidewalk

Someone is walking
slowly
hesitantly
not a hint of confidence

Another one is also walking
such in a hurry for a time like this
not a glance to the surrounding
nor a hint of care

The other is talking
to a cellphone
pitch is too high
Intonation is too wrong

A man is typing crazy amount of words
blankly dancing his fingers
no hint of needing a rest
nor short of ideas

Two women are discussing
about a psychological journal article
of stereotyping
of discriminating

A boy and a girl are so engaged
with each other’s lips
entangled heart
intertwined hand

An old man is staring
into nothingness
deeply buried
not in thought, but in the past

Despite them all : stand a peculiar human
not a male
nor a female
long to belong

– The Dark Jasmine
South Jakarta
July 13, 2018

Dear Zhaf #2

The fourth of May has come again – faster than last year, would you believe it? 😀

Hi, Zhaf!

This one is for you, hopefully one day soon you will find it interesting enough to read in your spare time.

It has been a very long time for me not writing a post about you, maybe I should invest more time to humor you in the future, no? But seriously, many things happened!

I remember that I was starting to worry that you didn’t speak enough words when you were 18 months old, but then your cute little mouth couldn’t stop bubbling when you’ve turned 19 months. I do also remember how broke my heart was when you fell and need 2 stitches in your precious little forehead; nevertheless, you amazed me to see that you were holding yourself better than I did after the tragedy. Not long after that, you chose to wean yourself from breastfeeding –  oh boy, the pain in my heart was unimaginable.

Oh no. I need to stop talking about myself and my dramatic emotions. I want this post to be about you, Zhaf. This post has to speak to you and make you dizzy a little. 😆

Your smile! Yes! The smile of yours are precious and addictive. Everyone couldn’t get enough of that, especially when you are planning to do some mischief acts. Wonderful, yet foolish at the same time. I hope you’re not going to be a heart breaker someday.

Hmm.. That gave me an Idea.

Let’s talk about heart breaking, son.

I realize that this world is not turning into a direction that I like, but I know that you could always find something to fight for, something that make your life worth to live, and something that proof your existence is making this universe slightly more livable. No pressure there, buddy! Life is not only about sadness and desperation, it is also about love, laugh, and how to share the love and the laugh.

To Love.

Love has no boundaries. One day you will find your own way to love this universe and beyond. I wish that you could understand that Allah is the most merciful, thus human is blessed with it. Have mercy, my dear Son, so you could be grateful for all the things you’ve accomplished. Have mercy, not only for others but also for yourself – for you could not love others before you learn to love yourself. I wish that you could understand that Rasulullah is a kind person, thus you could learn to be humble and sincere like him. Be gentle, my dear Son, for this world is not only belong to our kind of people – any kind of people is also living this world (science and conscience told us that they are also human), so please treat them like you want to be treated (as human). And if you encounter something that you don’t like nor agree with; remember the most crucial thing that I always need to remind myself, too: condemn the action, not the actor. I know you will figure the meaning of this soon enough.

To Laugh.

Laugh is the best medicine in this world. One day you will find your own way to laugh with others – certainly not to laugh at others. Laugh is what your soul need after a long tiring journey. Laugh is what your mind need along your wonderful journey. Laugh is what your body need to start walking into the journey. If you remember how to laugh, you will remember how to respect others – especially the one that doesn’t respect you. Just remember : Laugh is contagious. 🙂

I think I’ve already take a lot of time from you with this one. Got to keep other words for other occasion so that you won’t be bored. You will never know how much I love you. ❤ u.

Happy Birthday, Zhaf!

Love,
Bunda.

2017 in a flash

So, just like any other year, 2017 also passed by so quickly. My blogging activity throughout the year was not something that I can be proud of. Despite my effort to keep motivating myself, I couldn’t find enough time and energy to spend on writing a post. *sigh*

As my last resort, I will pour my heart and thought into highlighting each month’s theme from my 2017.

January

Being a citizen of this universe means that I also get sucked into spending my January thinking about, watching in delay, and cringing after the inauguration of Donald Trump as POTUS. “Life must go on” was the only thing that made me keep my sanity afterwards.

February

After the depressing January, luckily, what I remember from February are mostly the good ones. The first time we take Zhaf to Seaworld! He was very excited to see any kind of fish and other underwater creatures there. It was a mesmerizing experience to see the pure joy of my baby.

March

Zhaf is up and standing in his own for the first time! Yeay! Alhamdulillah. This marks my march in 2017. My baby is all grown up, because not long after he started to stand, he began to take his first step – also in this month.

Zhaf Stand
STAND UP, Z!

April

My parents (both by blood and by law) went to Umrah this month, and they were very happy. For Zhaf, this month we went to Bali with him for the first time. The funniest thing that happened was ​to figure out that Zhaf was afraid of the beach (maybe the sand, or the sound of the waves). I still want to make him a beach boy, but I got no other chance in 2017. I guess it is time to plan for a trip to the beach in 2018. Yeay!

May

My Zhaf is turning 1. ONEderful journey with him! I love him to the moon and back. We did celebrate his birthday with our close family, but our timing was wrong – the birthday boy was too sleepy to enjoy his party. *lol* I also had a great experience this month: went to Australia for the first time, and fell so hard for Canberra.

June

Ramadhan is coming, and we were so eager to observe it with Zhaf has already been up and about this year. He woke up to join us having Sahoor in the morning, and so happy when we were all gathering to break the fast in the afternoon. I guess he was starting to love this holy month, just for all the gathering (this time).

July

Being part of the family of SabangMerauke was my highlight this month – beside our Eid in my hometown, of course. To be part of something so important, such as SabangMerauke, brings back my spirit to keep going despite all the bad things happening around the world. Hope is all over the world if we choose to embrace it!

August

The thing I remember the most from this month was the night when Zhaf had to get stitches, and it broke my heart to see him in such pain. I couldn’t afford to remove the painful images from my mind. Blood and tears everywhere – my heart was never the same after that tragedy.

September

I was entering the 29th zone of my life, but my highlight was that Zhaf was starting to wean himself from breastfeeding. He refused to be breastfed and started to drink cow milk. I thought that my broken heart in August was the worst; this one is a hundred times disaster in my heart and mind. All is well now, tho.

October – December

Couldn’t separate these 3 months since I was drowned in my work the whole time. Not much is happening outside the office since I spend most of my time (including the night) in my office. *sigh* What a sad way to end a year.

Hmm.. so many Zhaf in my highlight. Please bear with me, guys. I guess 2018 will also be the same. 🙂

Love,

The DarkJasmine.

Stranger = 1, Me = 0

Last Friday couldn’t have been worse, yet better at the same time.

I was waking up to such a spirit that I would attend The SabangMerauke Diversity Dinner in Friday night – been longing to meet SM’s Big Family after months since our farewell dinner. My spirit was not up for too long because just after I arrived at the Office, my schedule was crushed due to a sudden meeting and a client emergency.

Failed to attend the dinner and felt so miserable scrolling through great photos of that event. I drove home around 8 pm to at least meet my son before he went to bed. The traffic was a disaster, and my feelings fell to the bottom. In line with my bad mood, my car was also beginning to show its temper: it had an engine failure in a dark, crowded-but-quiet street. Luckily (yes, we Indonesians could always find the positive thing in every desperate situation), I was in the left lane, so I didn’t cause a scene or heavier traffic.

Used to be in such a situation, I panicked but pretended to be calm (although no one was looking at that time to judge). I called my husband and was told to check the engine, so I again pretended to be brave and went out of the car to check the engine, even though I honestly don’t have any idea what my husband was instructing. I focused on analyzing with perfect failure when I realized two men were approaching me. Shocked – I couldn’t understand what they were saying to me until they repeated it for (maybe) the fifth time.

Stranger: ‘Is your car having an engine failure?’

Me: ‘Huh? oh.. yeah..’

Stranger: ‘Can we check the engine?’

Me: ‘Huh? Check the engine?’

Stranger: ‘Yeah, so that we can find the problem?’

Me: ‘Huh? oh yeah..yeah.. the engine.. yes, please.’

Stranger: ‘Have you called your mechanic yet?’

Me: ‘no..no.. I haven’t. Let’s take a look…..

…and they looked at my car while I was doing what they instructed me to.

Long story short, they couldn’t find the real problem, but they found a way to make the engine work so I could drive back home and didn’t get left alone on that dark road.

I got home safe and sound that night, thanks to them.

So, to summarize the story? I’ve had a bad day but also a great day at the same time. I was quite frightened when they approached me, but they turned out to be very kind and caring gentlemen. May God bless them and shower them with health and wealth.

Because of those strangers, my faith in humanity restored strengthened.

Love,

Human.

Mother, how are you today?

Mother, how are you today?
Here is a note from your daughter.
With me everything is ok.
Mother, how are you today?

Mother, don’t worry, I’m fine.
Promise to see you this summer.
This time there will be no delay.
Mother, how are you today?

I found the man of my dreams.
Next time you will get to know him.
Many things happened while I was away.
Mother, how are you today?

So.. How are you today, Mom?

I could only sent you an Al-Fatihah and pray for you endlessly now..

But, let me tell you a story…
I am now a mother too, Mom.
You have a grandson that you could call ‘Zhaf’.

He is such an active teenage-baby and i love him more than I love myself sometime – especially when he is already fast asleep (I know you understand what I mean, rite?)

I am now a wife too, Mom.
You have a son-in-law that you could call ‘Ji’.

He is such an amazing human being that maybe you won’t understand why he agreed to marry me at the first place – especially because you really know how grumpy I could be sometime.

I am now a teacher too, Mom.
You are my aspiration.
You are my deep obsession.

You are my muse.

 

All in all.

I am fine, Mom.

More than fine : I am happy.

Just one thing to tell you,

I really miss you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, MA..

Much kisses,

Adek

Love, not Hate

.

No, you don’t know my struggle.
No, you don’t fight my war.
No, you don’t hear my fear.
No, you don’t see my nightmares.
.
But
Yes, I don’t know your struggle either.
Yes, I don’t fight in your war either.
Yes, I don’t hear your fear either.
Yes, I don’t see your nightmares either.
.
.
You and me,
We have our own struggle,

our own war,

our own fear,

our own nightmares..
.
.
But
You and me,
We share this life,
We share this world,
We share this stage.
.
Let’s not be harsh to each other,
Let’s not be rude to another,
Let’s not be a judge to the other.
.
❤️❤️❤️

originally posted here

Love,

@darkJasm

 

Gio and Lia

Okay, since I already begin writing about SabangMerauke, I couldn’t stop now without telling stories about these two girls! They couldn’t be any different. One is very mischievous while the other one is more of an uptight kind of girl (I don’t want to detail which one is which 😆 )

Gio, like what I’ve written in the last post, is the ASM from Maluku and Lia was supposed to be her best friend for 3 weeks in Jakarta. Lia is the KSM. Her full name is Nurul Amalia and she is a Depok Girl. Their relationship wasn’t easy at the beginning – later on I found that the relationship of ASM-KSM was supposed to be hard to build so that it could be last forever. yes. Gio and Lia are now BFF and I know that it will be last forever. You can spot a genuine feeling when you see one!

First week was a week from hell *derived from their own dialogue 😀

Second week was the crucial week in their relationship. They began to know more about each other’s background, they started to share their story, and the wall between them was starting to brake.

Third week? Gio said that it was like she was flying and the farewell was coming too soon.

What I really learn from them : communication is a key to a good relationship. At first, they tend to not speak up what they have in their mind to each other, maybe to avoid hurting other’s feeling, but circumstances grew them closer and they began to trust each other. I could say that because I witnessed how their relationship evolved, even if they didn’t recognize it themselves. Lia was transforming to a great older sister for Gio, and Gio (used to be the oldest between her siblings) was also adapting to the new role she got in being little sister.

It is a fun thing observing how Lia taught Gio to be tough: facing the hectic morning in Jakarta, surviving morning Depok Train, enjoying their busy schedule, and squeezing “steak time” for them to pour their heart out. It is also fun to sharing stories with Gio about the programs and how she will implement the positive things in her village, also hearing how mush she loves to play guitar and watching horror movies. 🙂

For those 3 weeks, I feel blessed that they come to my life with their unique personalities. I feel blessed to know them both. I really want to thank them for everything they have shared with me. I really want to thank them for all the great things that taught me. They taught me if we want to find a common ground between all of our differences, it will be easy if both part agree to make effort to understand each other. We are not born to hate but we are born to love, so it is way easier to find something that we could work on together, rather than only talking about what set us apart.

Thanks for those great lessons you both have taught me. I am looking forward to hear great news about your journey to your wonderful future!

 

Love, Zesta.

SabangMerauke : The true unity in Diversity

Bhinneka Tunggal Ika is the Motto of Indonesia which means Unity in Diversity. We, as an Indonesians have known, learned, and read many articles trying to describe the meaning. Do you ever give a thought about the real implementation of these motto?

Only couple of people have a real experience living with people from different backgrounds: faith, religion, race, accent, and others. For 3 weeks in last July, my family have an amazing story. We are living with a christian junior high school girl from Maluku. What an amazing 3 weeks! We are still hang over by the greatness of this experience.

Could you imagine? For me, I would never imagine the real feeling until I get to feel those roller coaster of life. Those days weren’t easy at all – suddenly become parents of 13 yo-girl! All of those years studying about adolescence in the developmental psychology classes are finally making sense. Teenager is a whole different creature to handle – although we were all once a teenager.

Let’s not focus on how to parent a teenage girl – we need to focus on the program instead. I know about this program from a picture that was posted by my friend – Prie (which I adored so much, btw) in path and instantly caught my attention. I was discussing about it with Le Husband when I got struck by his question : “why?”

This question got me. I really want to join this program without any hesitation that when I was asked a simple why made me wonder. Why?

The first and only reason that I can came up with to explain my instant attraction was I wanted to do something for Indonesia. Cliche? yes. But for me it was the truth. We are now living in a post-truth era, where everyone has their own version of truth. With every person has a mean to tell their version, everyone else has their own way to only see evidences of their vision. Turn back hoax is an urgent thing for us to do now and what is better than experiencing it ourselves?

We have been reading many news about how one faith is so violence toward another; how one race is superior than the other; how we are really different from one another; and so on. In this post-truth era, everyone feels certain that their version of judgment is the truth. Deception is common and many people fell in to the framed trap : we are now framing one another. I am an Indonesian Moslem, part of the majority and I am sure that once in my lifetime I have stereotyped other people who is different. And now – more than ever – I need to make sure that those labeling will discontinue.

SabangMerauke is an initiative that select 15 junior high school students from all over Indonesia to come to Jakarta for 3 weeks and live in a Family which is different from them (either by race or religion) thus they will experience how to work on their differences and be a true family….because tolerance is not something that you can understand by only learning about it – you have to experience it to really feel its true meaning. Every weekday, these teenagers got to visit different places to learn about Education, Tolerance, and Indonesia : 3 main values of SabangMerauke. Weekend was family time and most of us will take those children to places that they really want to visit in Jakarta, or take them to our family gathering. Other than these teenagers, volunteers, committees and us – the Families, there were also “brother and sister” of SabangMerauke which accompany the children towards their program – act as a tutor, counselor, and the most important role : best friends! *The children is called Anak SabangMerauke (ASM); Family is Family SabangMerauke (FSM); Bro/Sis is Kakak SabangMerauke (KSM). To understand more about the program, visit http://sabangmerauke.id/

Being part of this initiative gave me opportunities to meet great people from different background. The ASMs are not your typical junior high school students. They are energetic kids with great visions and very motivated to achieve their dreams. You will be very optimistic about Indonesian future if you talk to them. The girl who was living with me, my daughter, is Giovani Kapiluka. Gio – her nickname – is in her third year in Junior High School in Ketty Letpey – a village in Lakor Island, Maluku. She loves to play guitar and really into music and singing. She wants to be a singer one day, but also has a vision where all the children in her village could get an access to proper education. She wants to make sure everyone knows that education is important and every children in her village has equal access to school. But when I ask whether she want to switch from being a singer to an Education Minister, she still aspired to be a singer (typical teenager 😆 ).

Many stories about how joining this initiative affect my life in a very positive ways. I could finally write this post in more than a week after the farewell dinner due to my full mind and full heart : resonated from this program. I literally caught in tears every time I remember the joyous feeling of being a part of SabangMerauke. Many stories. Much Laugh. Much Tears. Many years to face until we could finally see the real impact of this positive vibe shared by SabangMerauke. For now, I am most grateful for the new family I found in SabangMerauke. Bravo SabangMerauke!