Dear Zhaf

Hello, little one!

This is your mom. We have been bonding just a little over a year. Yes. It is 3 weeks after your first birthday and I’m kind of feeling nostalgic that I need to write you this.

May is my magical month, dear. Because I got married to your father in May, 2 years ago – to be honest, we were officially a couple 7 years ago, also in May. And then Allah revealed His plan to bring you into this world on the fourth of May. (Oh yeah, May the Fourth be with you, Zhaf!)

“How do I get born, Mom?” You may one day ask this question.

O, sweetheart.. let me tell you a story about how you were born. You were supposed to be born on May 2nd, but you decide to stay a bit longer inside my tummy. The doctor said that you need a little push so I got Induced. Three times, dear. I keep my positive thinking that maybe you need more time, that somehow you will find your way out minutes later. After the third induction, you decide to make a move…but you are a little too active that you made my water broke and doctor told me that I have to be cut open in the operation room soon. That was 4 in the afternoon and it broke my defense – i cried a river. I have to accept that I am not destined to experience normal labour, yet. 7 pm, they performed the SC surgery and you were brought into this world 20 minutes later.

All the sadness is gone. I trully feel like I have been waste my tears for something so shallow. I trully understand that whatever the procedure was, the most important thing is the baby’s health. The second I look into your eyes, I know that I’ve been through enough struggle to give a damn about how other will judge me because I choose this way to gave birth.

We were doing the Early Initiation of breastfeeding when your father finally joined us in the operation room. He loves you from that moment on, Son. I can tell you that, even I was half conscious due to the anesthetic. The initiation was a success, you did a great job there, Zhaf! Then they measured you: 3300 grams and 49 cm. Welcome to the world!

 

Do you like this story, dear? I have many stories for you. Would you like to hear it?

Ah, it’s already late at night, I will continue it some other time. You are fast asleep beside me now and I’d like to enjoy your peaceful face.

I love you, dear Zhaf…

With lots of love,
Bunda

Staying Connected

How is life after baby? FABULOUS!

(if you scrap the zombie-sleepless night, cranky-post partum depression syndromes, a LOT of tears, and many other dramas of a new mom), but still, who want the true answer to a cliche question?

I could go on and on about my ugly truths of first days after Zhas was born, but I am saving that story for another post. This one is a post about how to keep my marriage sane after such a big change: Zhaf.

Me and my husband are an employer, that means we don’t have the luxury of being at home all day. Leaving our home around 6 a.m every weekday and if we are lucky, we could be at home again around 6 p.m – but mostly, we arrive home around 7/8 p.m. Zhaf is our main focus whenever we are at home: playing, biting, laughing, and of course cuddling. To say the truth, our romantic moments become very rare.

So, how can we make through our critical time as husband and wife? Talk. Talking is our main connection right now. Luckily, our office are near to each other that enable us to travel together every morning and sometime also in the afternoon.We would savor the precious journey and make it our moment to kindle the flame. We would share what’s happening in our daily life while in the office or simply sharing any story that cross our mind. I love these moments. It is our way to keep the bond.

Other than talking, thanks to our new gigantic internet package from a certain postpaid provider, we have a new routine: watching romantic movies or funny TV Show. Sometime, we would take silly snaps in the middle of the infamous Jakarta’s Traffic jam. Openness, laughs, and silliness are our charms.

That is our way, what is yours?

deer

 

I Write, because..

I never know that writing need a cause. I simply love to write.

Since my childhood time, I write about anything. Like any little girl, I owned a diary filled with my emotions. I was a pretty dark girl: stormy mood, full of anger and shyness, not a good combination. My diary was full with stories about how I mad at someone or how something depressed me – any negative emotion, really. Channeling my negative emotions through diary was succeed in making me calm, so anybody back then knew me as an ordinary smiley girl.

I remember one day, I had enough of my self: I climbed a tree and burned my diary. That day was the last day I have a diary about my hatred. I moved on and started to write fiction – mostly about falling in love, maybe my teenager hormones finally got to me and love was all over my mind. I’ve made a new diary that full of my feeling – this time, a positive one, the lovey dovey of my teenager time.

Accepted in a University far away from home, I found a new world and a new channel to express my thought. Mixed feeling and structured mind are now my best friend, while shyness was still my biggest draw back. As a psychology student, public speaking should have been easy because it is a mandatory thing for us, but I was struggling to master it. Blog was my practice field. I tried to build an alter ego as a nice and speak-up girl. My blog was my paradise.

And now, after all this time, blog is still a big part of my life. I write because I want to save memories. I want to be able to trace my past, not just about where I have been or who I have met, but also how I have improved throughout these years. I write because I need to proof my existence. I write therefore I am.

Before 2017

Like usual, as a challenge for my self to blog more, I sign up to a writing challenge/course. Since the Blogging U now has the on demand program, It is more convenient for me. I already signed up to some course, so there will be many thematic posts coming in the future.

I want to set my mind right in the blogging vibe for this upcoming years, just to discipline my self. Juggling in motherhood, full time employee and part time lecturer : I know it won’t be easy. At least I want to try.

So, for the day one task of Branding and Growth,these are 3 concrete goals for my blog in 2017:

  • I blog for telling stories about my life, or about my thought and I really want to post at least one post a week.
  • Once a month, I need to publish an article about Psychological phenomena. *I should have been doing it years ago 😦
  • Starting January of 2017, I will make a theme for each day.
    • Monday : #Travelmonday
    • Tuesday : #Poetrytuesday
    • Wednesday : #Weddnesday
    • Thursday : #Throwbackthursday
    • Friday : #Freeday
    • Weekend : Playtime with Baby Z

Will this goal set through 2017? Let’s see..

“dream high, baby.. but never dream when you’re high..” -@daRkJasm

2016 in a recap

It is that time of the year again, where everyone is posting their #bestnine in Instagram.. and here I am, pretending that I haven’t been neglecting this blog for a whole year. 😀

So, how’s life?

2016 is magical year! at least for me..

I have a SON. Whew! I can’t believe it either, but I am living it.

Born in early May, by Caesarean Section in Kemang Medical Care Women and Children Hospital.. Let’s just call him “Baby Z”

Being a mother for Baby Z is my highlight of the year.

hmm.. This long hiatus from writing really damage the quality of my post. It’s hard just to find the right word to write. :sigh:

Other than blessed with Z, 2016 also the year full of surprise for me. Being with many kind people is also another blessing for me. From my babymoon, promotion in work, to lectured a great class. Do expect many throwback post in 2017.

Despite this #Zika, #Brexit, #Trump and many other weird things in 2016, it has been great for me.

The daRkJasmine in 2015

It is nearly the end of 2015 and as always, WordPress will happily send us our annual report.

This site is having a major setback from last year in statistic but in real life, I am very grateful to say that Allah has granted me many loves and wonderful events – but it will be for another post.

Click here for this site’s annual report from the kind and lovely Jetpack.

Ciao!

A day after the 29th November

Dear Ma,
This is a day after your supposedly 62nd birthday.

Do you have any idea how much I miss you?

I guess you have, since you are there in the ever after life, but also I guess it’s not matter to you anymore because the only things that will reach you from me are my prays and my good deeds.
Do you have any idea how much I need you now?

I have been married for almost 7 months now, Ma. I also have been pregnant for 4 months. I really want you to be here by my side through all this rollercoaster of life.
Do you have any idea how much I envy others?

They could be hold by their mother every time they want, yet they criticise theirs for any little clumsiness. They could talk to their mother all night long, any day they want, yet they protest for how much theirs are over protective.
Do you have any idea how much you’ve inspired me?

Your love for others, your love for sharing, your love for teaching, your love for your family, your love for many little things that won’t matter to others have aspired me to always fight for what I love and what I want in my life.
Do you have any idea how much you mean to me, Ma?

Not only after you’ve gone, but long before I could even speak, I know I love you and I adore you. I hope you know it too. I hope what I’ve done when you were still with me showed how much I wanted you to smile and always be happy.
I love you, Ma. Still love you. Will always love you

Magical May

..pardon me for this very late update about my magical may.

This last 15.05.15, I finally got MARRIED!

*tears overload*

For many people who follow our journey from the beginning, they will understand how long and bumpy our road to marriage, but I will only cherish the happiness about this amazing month in my life.

We were celebrating two cultures in our wedding ceremony. Our series of events started with “Malam Berinai” (a malay tradition to apply henna to the bride and the groom) which held in the night before our “Aqad nikah” (Islamic Wedding Vow). The day after the Aqad, we held our first wedding reception in malay culture with malay music and wedding dress. This first reception was held in Pekanbaru, Riau Province in 16.05.15. I finally succeed pouring my love of black and white as my wedding theme, with a little grey here and there.

Three days after the first reception, me and my husband went to Bali for our honeymoon.. (I will dedicate another post about it)

At may 30, we held our second wedding reception in Depok, West Java (my husband’s hometown), this time celebrating Sundanese Culture.

I am so grateful for our magical may, for everyone that help us through ups and downs, for everything magical which has happened and of course for the Gracious of our Lord, Allah SWT. Alhamdulillah.

Here are some remarks from my magical may, may the happiness also be yours!

14.05.15

Malam Berinai

15.05.15

Aqad Nikah

16.05.15

The Wedding Reception

Venue: Bhayangkara Building, Pekanbaru, Riau Province, Indonesia

30.05.15

The Second Wedding Reception

Venue: Balairung Budi Utomo, Bumi Wiyata Hotel, Depok, West Java, Indonesia

Love,

daRkJasm and Panjirocks

The Forever Songs in My Life

Do I really need to explain this?

Every one loves Harry Potter! (Okay, it is an overgeneralizing, but I refuse to believe that there is a person out there who hates Harry) 😀

Just by hearing this melody could bring all the great memories of our adventure with the Boy Who Lived.

I was in my second grade of Junior High School when my friend introduced me to Harry Potter – The series already reached the third book if I’m not mistaken. Almost 15 years passed since that life changing moment. I am all grown up now but every time I hear this song, I feel like I am back to the safety of my mom’s warm embrace.

Today’s prompt of writing 101 is to write about three most important songs in my life. When I read that prompt this morning, my head suddenly full of this original score of Harry Potter. While I already made up my mind about the first song, I still have to choose the other two and it’s really painful that i found it was such a hard task for me. *sigh*

At the end of the day, I don’t have to dig my memory and find the perfect two songs for this post – they come to my mind in their own way! I was browsing and reading my old post when I stumble upon a post (Sorry, I won’t put a link because the post is full of hatred – my old self was a grumpy little lady). The post remind me of a song that used to be a soundtrack to lighten my mood. The song is In The End by Linkin Park.

Do you know what is my favorite part of this song? The iconic melody at the beginning!

Linkin Park had succeed in making me believe they understand what I feel : I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter. Exactly, nothing matters.

The third song – or like every body else love to say – the last but not the least, is a song from my home country. The singer is my long time favorite singer from my generation. Sherina Munaf. She is a very talented singer who can play many musical instruments : piano is my favorite!

Sebelum Selamanya, literally translated as “before forever” is my own soundtrack for my big event next month.

Couples have to remember the first time they fall in love before promising each other a “forever”.

Chasing The Sun

Happy National Movie Day!

I remember one Indonesia Movie that trigger my emotional memory. That movie is “Mengejar Matahari” (literally translated as Chasing the Sun). This movie is about 4 boys with an amazing friendship which is built through years since their childhood time. Their friendship is in danger when they grow up with one traumatic event, and they tend to go in separate way. Through many challenges and how their future turn out to be, they finally find their way to each other again and could do their favorite past time moment, which is chasing the sun.

Casts of this movie is really good, both in acting and in their looks. This is the first reason I admire Fauzi Baadillah and I still do at this time. Their on-set friendship somehow look very realistic and could have experienced by many of us. The movie taught me that friendship is a fragile thing but if it’s really meant to be, it will find its way back, no matter what happen or what our future need us to be, we will always have one another.

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Do you know why this movie could trigger my feeling? It’s because who I watched this with and how we relate to this movie. I watched this one with my all time favorite people: i, Wau and Koemp (I have this post dedicated for them).. Honestly, I couldn’t recall perfectly whether I really watched this movie with them or just i or that I wished I had watch it with them, either way, every time I hear the soundtrack of this movie, I am longing for their presence.

Our future turn out to be like this. We hardly ever seen one another now, yet talking over night like we used to be. Many big days past without us being together, especially me, I have been such a miserable friend, I can’t attend Koemp’s wedding day, I haven’t see Auw’s cute little angel and I miss talking with i. I have been busy because my life has been very messy and I feel trashy, much like Damar in this movie. I have been so hard to my self lately and I miss loosen up with you three.

Do you know what people told us about a great movie? A great movie is a movie that effecting people’s life, preferably in positive way. “Mengejar Matahari” has big impact to my life. It showed me that no matter what person we turn out to be, our best friend will always welcome us and our hearts will feel like we are at home again.

“Ada teman-teman di masa kecil kita. Ada teman-teman di masa remaja kita. Ada teman-teman di masa tua kita. Ada sahabat-sahabat untuk selamanya” – Mengejar Matahari