Chasing The Sun

Happy National Movie Day!

I remember one Indonesia Movie that trigger my emotional memory. That movie is “Mengejar Matahari” (literally translated as Chasing the Sun). This movie is about 4 boys with an amazing friendship which is built through years since their childhood time. Their friendship is in danger when they grow up with one traumatic event, and they tend to go in separate way. Through many challenges and how their future turn out to be, they finally find their way to each other again and could do their favorite past time moment, which is chasing the sun.

Casts of this movie is really good, both in acting and in their looks. This is the first reason I admire Fauzi Baadillah and I still do at this time. Their on-set friendship somehow look very realistic and could have experienced by many of us. The movie taught me that friendship is a fragile thing but if it’s really meant to be, it will find its way back, no matter what happen or what our future need us to be, we will always have one another.

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Do you know why this movie could trigger my feeling? It’s because who I watched this with and how we relate to this movie. I watched this one with my all time favorite people: i, Wau and Koemp (I have this post dedicated for them).. Honestly, I couldn’t recall perfectly whether I really watched this movie with them or just i or that I wished I had watch it with them, either way, every time I hear the soundtrack of this movie, I am longing for their presence.

Our future turn out to be like this. We hardly ever seen one another now, yet talking over night like we used to be. Many big days past without us being together, especially me, I have been such a miserable friend, I can’t attend Koemp’s wedding day, I haven’t see Auw’s cute little angel and I miss talking with i. I have been busy because my life has been very messy and I feel trashy, much like Damar in this movie. I have been so hard to my self lately and I miss loosen up with you three.

Do you know what people told us about a great movie? A great movie is a movie that effecting people’s life, preferably in positive way. “Mengejar Matahari” has big impact to my life. It showed me that no matter what person we turn out to be, our best friend will always welcome us and our hearts will feel like we are at home again.

“Ada teman-teman di masa kecil kita. Ada teman-teman di masa remaja kita. Ada teman-teman di masa tua kita. Ada sahabat-sahabat untuk selamanya” – Mengejar Matahari

…on Friend and Friendship

“Books! And cleverness! There are more important things – friendship and bravery”

– Hermione Granger

Every Potterhead like me must have been dreaming about having friends and friendship like what Harry had in his journey, but our reality is different from Harry’s reality because we are living in this boring muggle’s universe. Friendship is carved not just popped. Friends need to be made through one or more live-saving or truth-facing incidents.

We’ve been through many stages in our lives, still in one stage and will face many stages in the future. Every stages bring its own experience that sometime with an extended package, it introduce us to people that will stay in our heart and labeled as friend (some will labeled as best-friend-forever).

Since I am a huge fan of Erikson’s Psychosocial Development Theory, I will take his perspective on this post. According to Erikson, I am now in Early Adulthood Stage which crisis is intimacy vs isolation. Characteristics of this stage is we are able to reach out and connect with others and the favorable outcome is become intimate with someone and work toward career.

As an early adult, we are given the liberty of adult but also the responsibility. Our responsibility as an adult is not only for ourselves but also for the community. Society will push us to have a job, career, occupation, passion, or any other name of it. Beside having an income to support our lives, society will begin to push us to have a spouse or significant other, especially if you live in a country like mine where a woman is supposed to get married around 25yo.

According to what Erikson has said about this stage, someone need to acquire a sense of intimacy by accepting oneself and fusing one personality with others in order to accept others. It is the hard part of being an adult with many responsibilities. Sometime we tend to forget that we need someone or even a community to back us up when we are down. We are in a very productive age so we think that we need to pursue our dream as hard as we can even if we have to let many people disappointed at us in the process. As an adult, we are joining the world full of intrigues and hidden agendas, even ourselves had one or two. If we forget the basic principle of making friend and just building a relationship in a very manipulative way, we will have friends but we still won’t sense the intimacy.

Friendship is based on a mutual feeling. People will stick to someone who treasure their presence, because unrequited love is really tiring.

 

Sakitnya tuh di sini….

-Ruang Tim Evaluasi Kinerja-

*telepon berdering*

Saya: “Halo”

Penelepon (Bapak-bapak): “Halo.. ruangan tim *** ya?”

Saya: “Iya benar pak, dari siapa pak?”

Penelepon: “Saya ***** dari **, Ada anggota tim yang laki-laki, mbak?”

Saya: “Ada apa, pak? Ada yang bisa saya bantu?”

Penelepon: “Saya mau ngomong sama yang lain, yang laki-laki. Ada?”

Saya: “@$%$%^”

 

….salah saya apa ya, Pak? Saya juga anggota tim dan bisa menjawab pertanyaan teknis Bapak, koq.

KZL!

I really am not OKAY

Happy Mother’s day for all the mother in this world, whether alive or passed away..

but.. I won’t write about mother’s day…

I have been neglecting this blog for far too long, I wish I could make my work as an excuse, I wish I could say that I have nothing to write. Instead, I really have many things to write, and I did have a heavy workloads but I could still find time to write, if I want to…

I have been using my work as an escape from my own self, I put all my effort to pour my mind only for my work and I tend to work overtime to avoid having so much time to spend alone at home in the night. I tend to be somewhere else than on my bed in the early night.

Those things are my common feeling lately, but I haven’t aware of how much energy consumed by that habit, until today. I am a trained girl for physical activities, I used to be a Scout member and I have graduated from military-based training. It is for my own surprise that I almost faint twice in these two months (first in Sumpah Pemuda Ceremony and second in Hari Ibu Ceremony, today). When I fainted for the first time, I have my own excuse, because I am on a strict diet and haven’t had my breakfast that morning, but today, I have enough sleep, I eat normally yesterday but I still fainted this morning.

Then I realize what I’ve been through these couple months and since I always blame my self for everything I’ve been through and my believe that every thing happened according to our own mind, I got an insight about what is really happening to me and I have to admit that I’m depressed.

Being someone that has a psychology background, everyone seems to see me as someone that always jumped into ‘a psychological conclusion’, and they won’t believe me even if I have shown them symptoms that happened to me. They will say that I over analyze my self with my own knowledge, but they usually believe if I analyze their symptoms. Double standard, no?

Writing is my self-healing methods and I’ve been avoiding it far too long because every time I want to write something, my mind start to frightened me with exaggerating thoughts about one thing or another, especially about someone that I lose, feeling that I’ve missed because of that ‘losing thing’. I know why I’ve been in this situations yet I couldn’t make peace with my mind. I blame my self for what has happened despite everyone else see this as something beyond my control. I couldn’t exactly write the exact story here, i’m afraid that it will be worst if someone read it and get hurt because of it.

My mind is tricking me.

Someone is playing it.

I feel fine while I know that I’m not.

I got so tired yet I am full of energy at the same time.

..but yes, everyone seems to believe that I am FINE..

e595a3a660f3d3f62b1733465e5ae84ePic Source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/424042121135846008/

Satyaku ku dharmakan, Dharmaku ku baktikan

..Sorry, this post is going to be written in Bahasa.

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Saya tak bisa mengingat tahun berapa saya pertama kali bergabung di Gerakan Pramuka, seingat saya saat itu saya masih jadi siswa di Sekolah Dasar di Sebuah kecamatan yang bernama Sungai Apit. Kegiatan yang paling saya ingat adalah perkemahan yang dihadiri anggota pramuka dari Sungai Apit dan Siak, berakhir lebih cepat dari jadwal karena ada insiden kerasukan massal. Kemudian saya pindah ke Pekanbaru karena ikut papa pindah kerja dan tentu saja masih bergabung di GP.

Masa yang paling menentukan dalam sejarah keanggotaan saya di GP adalah ketika saya menjadi Penggalang di SLTPN 4 Pekanbaru. Saya mendapat banyak kesempatan untuk ikut dalam beberapa event regional, nasional maupun internasional. Menjadi anggota GP sebagai penegak di SMAN 8 Pekanbaru membuktikan bahwa semakin tua usia kita, semakin tinggi tingkatan kita dalam sebuah organisasi, maka tanggung jawab akan semakin besar dan semakin banyak pengorbanan yang harus kita lakukan. Pilihan selalu menghadang di setiap kita akan melangkah, sayapun akhirnya memilih untuk mengundurkan diri dari kepengurusan Dewan Kerja Cabang Pekanbaru karena harus melanjutkan pendidikan di perantauan. Sempat merasa sangat berat untuk melepas teman-teman dan semua kenangan di Kwarcab Pekanbaru, sempat mengalami syndrome “gak mau ikut Pramuka lagi” sampai akhirnya saya menemukan jalan untuk kembali dan bergabung dalam Racana Tribhuwanatunggadewi, UGM.

Saya bukan ingin menulis tentang kegiatan-kegiatan tersebut tetapi saya ingin menulis tentang perasaan rindu yang selalu menghinggapi setiap mendengar kata “pramuka” dan “perkemahan”.

Saya rindu saat-saat packing untuk mempersiapkan keberangkatan, baik packing barang pribadi maupun (terutama) packing barang regu. Lambaian tangan dan airmata saat pelepasan keberangkatan terasa sangat menyedihkan (dulu) walaupun sekarang kalau teringat, hal itu membuat senyum simpul karena terasa (agak) lebay.

Selisih pendapat, diam-diaman, adu argumen, keras kepala, gak mau kurve, gak bisa masak, males bersihin tenda (apalagi kalau disuruh bersihin tapak perkemahan, ew banged itu), begadang sambil ngerumpi, api unggun, cinta lokasi, curi-curi pandang, curi-curi kesempatan, ngejar tanda tangan pembina, tukar-tukaran nomor telpon (rumah), kehilangan sendok, kecurian jemuran, ngantri kamar mandi, wc yang baunya aduhai, baju side A-side B, sepatu berlumpur, ngungsi karena tenda kebanjiran, diomelin bindam, dandan buat pentas, demam panggung, nyanyi-nyanyi di bis, kelayapan di kapal, mabuk darat dan laut, jalan-jalan keluar Buper diam-diam, dapat kiriman donat dari keluarga yang (dipaksa) berkunjung.

Argh.

Jadi makin rindu. Waktu tak mungkin bisa diulang kembali, rasa yang dulu tak mungkin bisa dihadirkan lagi, tapi kesempatan untuk membuat kenangan baru akan selalu terbuka selagi hayat masih dikandung badan. Usia tak lagi muda, masa menjadi peserta didik telah usai, baju sudah tak lagi muat, tapi keterampilan yang di dapat sangat berguna hingga saat ini, jiwa pun masih berasa muda dan yang paling penting Persaudaraan Bakti yang sudah terjalin tak lekang oleh masa.

Terima kasih Gerakan Pramuka Indonesia.

Dirgahayu!

Ramadhan Kareem

According to the Government of Indonesia, today is the 1st Ramadhan in Indonesia. Ramadhan Kareem. Ramadhan Mubarak. Selamat Ramadhan. Happy fasting. All the best greetings and wishes for my fellow Muslims around the world, may Allah gives us His mercy and forgive all of our sins. Wish our love for Allah is getting stronger through this holy month and forever.

 

This is my First post in this new Website. All of the posts before are imported from my old blog. I want to have my own web from long time ago, but my project with a friend meets no end and this sudden offer from Kak Idhen makes everything becomes true. Many many thanks for you, Kak! (p.s for i: thanks for the understanding.. hihi)

 

In the beginning of June, I joined a writing challenge, writing 101 and then I became busy with all this migrating blog stuffs (another excuse I made). Once again, I failed the challenge, this time is worse, I had only done 3 or 2 (I forget and really lazy to check). My bad. Pfiuh… and to my own surprise, this morning I have made my mind to make my own writing deadline! I have to write everyday during this Ramadhan Month. I want to write about anything that come to my mind when I begin to write. *spontaneous enough, ha?

 

This is day 1 of Ramadhan and just like each year before, I always begin my holy month with tears because I miss my mom so much. 2014 is a harsh year for me, many things changed in my life, even my own perspective about my self. Life is far from boring, because my heart is going through ups and downs, even it is only in june, I feel like I have the longest year. Father just get back home from hospital last week, Alhamdulillah he is getting better and more discipline with his medicine. I hope there will be no more downs in the rest of the year.

 

Do all what it takes for your dream, and let Allah take care of the rest, for whatever His will is for you, it is the best yet to come..

 

Happy fasting, everyone! Happy Ramadhan…

Love,

@darkjasm

Flashbacks

My plane has just landed. I step onto familiar surroundings. The heat feels familiar. The sky looks familiar. Everything looks familiar as if nothing has changed in this city. It feels like yesterday, even though I’ve left this city for years. The arrival lounge is also similar to my memories of it, men holding the name-tag, people offering a rent car or queuing for taxi. Everything seems frozen in time.

I walk to my assigned meeting point, through some kind of underground tunnel, connecting the airport and the parking lot. I love this tunnel, it is large with a minimalist ornaments. It gives me a calm feeling with its pastel paint. Sounds from the railway above it give me thrill sensation, like I am going to crash the train. I wait for a driver from my client’s company outside the tunnel and when I look around me, I realize that the parking lot is larger than I ever remember. Finally, a minor change that reminds me this city is no longer the same.

Traffic outside the airport is not so crowded, maybe because it is an early Saturday morning. The driver asks me whether I want to stop for breakfast. I don’t feel hungry, but a cup of coffee would be nice. He stops in a small coffee vendor not so far from the airport. I feel glad that this driver is not a chit-chat person, I already feel exhausted with all the memories that are flooding my mind since I arrived here, in Yogyakarta, a city once I loved so much.

The sun is shining so bright this morning, but the breeze is cool and the coffee taste so good. Lovely morning, if I don’t remember that I am in a city where my worst nightmare happened.

Clear horizon with Mount Merapi as background takes me to years ago when I arrived here for the first time. Nearly 10 years ago. I remember coming here with high spirit and big hope, exploring this city with a great excitement and laughed at everything I never see in my hometown. I hope I can re-experience those feeling again, maybe those are the remedy for my bitterness feeling of this city.

Yogyakarta. Special District. Cultural City. Full of students, from around Indonesia and overseas. Famous for its diversity. Famous for its myths. It has an imaginary line that goes straight from Mount Merapi to Kraton Ngayogyakartahadiningrat (Yogyakarta Palace) and finish in Parangtritis Beach. The most southern part of yogyakarta is a line of beaches. Many beautiful beaches.

My mind takes me to one fine afternoon, when my thesis deadline was getting closer and i didn’t have enough spirit to finish it on time. Instead of writing it, I drove my car to Depok Beach. I love Depok Beach even though the sand is not white but it has fish market which sell fresh fish from the sea. I arrived at the beach in time to watch the sun started to set. Magnificent. The sky’s color was changing from bright blue to orange and finally lost in the darkness of night. I love spending my early night at that beach. Fishermen were getting ready for night fishing. People were packing their bags to go home. Sea waves were getting higher and the sound of the wave soothed my chaotic mind. I felt calm and my mood was much better when I came home that night. I am longing for that place, even more, I am longing for that calm feeling. I am longing for my happiness.

The car is back on the street, smoothly driven to Malioboro Street. The most famous tourist destination in Yogyakarta. The place where my client is waiting for the briefing. I guess Depok Beach has to wait a little longer.

I miss you!
I miss you!
This is for the Day 2 assignment of writing 101.
 Can you see Yogyakarta as I see it?
It is actually a fiction and I intend to keep it going through this month challenge..
day by day

Night’s Lover

Night is my loyal friend. I love Night. Night could always understand me. I feel very safe in its embrace. Silence and cool breeze are what I miss the most from night.

I love the night, but I am afraid of the moon. I can’t exactly figure out why I fear the moon, maybe it is because its arrogance. Moon is only reflecting sun’s light, but it seems like those lights are its own. I don’t like it. It is so artificial for me.

Still, my fear for the moon never make me hate the night.

Stars. They probably are another reason why I love night.

twinkle twinkle little star

how I wonder what you are

I wonder.. Stars are shining. They shine their own lights, but never defeat the fake moonlight. Even though their lights are not as bright as moonlight, starlight is giving me hope. For me, stars are tough. They taught me how to keep shining, even if others won’t understand why you do it. They taught me that even if you seem to only accomplish small thing, you did accomplish something and there are people who are inspired by your efforts. Just like how stars keep inspiring me to make steps toward my seems-like-impossible dream.

Tonight, I sit in my backyard. Black coffee is my only companion in enjoying the night. I usually have trouble sleeping in a new place. I just moved to my new house today and i have given up sleep hours ago. My watch tells me that it’s near dawn and i have to be in the airport early in the morning. My bags are not packed yet, I really like to procrastinate everything, even packing.

Oh how I hate to say good bye to the night and back into the lights of my bedroom. I hate it even more because the reason of this good bye is my morning flight to a city I secretly hate.

..because the night owns me
..because the night owns me
This is my post for the Day 1 challenge of writing 101.
I feel like i want to make a fiction.
Wish me luck!
🙂

Writing 101

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
– Gustave Flaubert

 

Yes! I’ve just enrolled in a Blogging University.

Class of June, 2014.

I do realize that I failed my last writing challenge, but I will keep going and keep writing. Motivation is what I really need.

Let’s buckle up and have fun in the class!

😀